Lots of people milling around trying to talk to someone that they might or might not have something in common with. The lists of banal and superficial questions that seem to be on a loop throughout the evening. The people who seem to be interested in what you have to offer but not really. (Guilty as charged.)
Of course there are good things as well. You get to meet people that you might not have met anyway. You might get to have a conversation without the aforementioned banal questions. You get to have a conversation that has nothing to do with "what do you do" and more about something that you both have in common and that you can both speak passionately about.
By all means, go to these events but don't go all the time because you think it is the thing to do. As an introvert, you are going to tire yourself out. You will grow wary of these things and not want to run back to them any time soon.
Know your social limits and go to these events with an open mind and thought process that, yes you are going to meet someone interesting an yes, you are going to go to connect, not to sell something.
Yes, I have made these mistakes and when I look back on this I give myself a facepalm.
Don't get into that situation where you are doing the same thing as me. Facepalms are never a good look.
When you are young and lets be honest here, horny, where do you go to try and meet people that you are attracted to?
If you say places like bars, nightclubs or social events, parties etc, then I'm pretty sure that you are with the other 99.9999% of the population. Most people would say those kind of places. It's logical right? That's where people congregate and they expect to meet people there. That's why you go out on Friday and Saturday night.
That looks about right or is it like this?
Whatever it is, and I'm talking from personal experience, a bar or nightclub is not the best place for introverts. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go. It's fun. especially for someone like me who enjoys the kind of music that they play at some places. The top 40 stuff for example. However, if you want to "score" it might be a struggle or should we say challenge?
Why?
Well, the loud music, the hoards of people, the smoke (in some places), the competition. As an introvert you can not show your best side. It's noisy, it's smoky (it used to be anyway), there are people banging into each other, spilling drinks here and there (expensive drinks at that).
I liked going to these kind of places with my friend but I was never able to have those in depth conversations that introverts love. It's fairly difficult shouting at the other person with the music blaring. I suppose, at the end of the day, it is all about body language and small talk. Grooming would be an advantage here too.
Are you starting to see that the club is not the natural environment for an introvert?
Where do you meet people?
Short answer: Everywhere else.
From a man's point of view, (I am a man after all) if you have the balls of course you can literally meet people in any place that you like. At the supermarket, waiting in line at the Starbucks, talking to the people that you run into every day at the convenience store (I should take my own advice). Talk to everyone, you never know what you are going to learn.
The interesting thing for me is since I live in a huge city, Tokyo, strangers don't seem to talk to each other. That reminds me of the following:
I should practice what I preach. Would you like to join me in talking to people? Even if it is like the above video and we just say hello and smile (behind our masks). What's the worst thing that will happen? That person looks at you in a weird way? They take you to the police?
"Officer, that person said hello to me. Arrest him."
How do you start these conversations?
It's all about the power of observation.
If the person is wearing a nice watch, ask them about it. "That looks like a nice watch. Did you receive that from someone special?"
"What are you reading? That looks difficult." (I actually did have that conversation in an elevator. It was a book written in English about some kind of complicated maths. Unfortunately the guy couldn't speak English. he could read about complicated mathematical formulas but couldn't talk about it. He did explain it to me in Japanese but he might as well as been talking about quantum physics.)
One day I made a remark on the train about the book the woman next to me was reading. She was so shocked that she couldn't get off the train fast enough at the next stop. When I mentioned that story to some people, they thought that she thought that I was hitting on her. Nothing could be further from the truth. I saw a book that I had read before and wanted to talk about it. The woman obviously didn't. I didn't feel bad about it because I was being my authentic self.
Introverts,
Good luck with this challenge. I will be participating with you and lets see what happens. I'm sure that we will meet some interesting people of both sexes and we will have some interesting conversations.
I saw this article the other day. It was a really interesting read so I thought that I would go through it and see how the 13 things that horrify introverts apply to yours truly and to some people I know well. Here are the 13 things. How do they apply to you? I would love to hear your comments.
1. When people call - and a text or email would have been sufficient. - Hmm, this is an interesting one. Maybe it says something about my age or my upbringing, I'm not sure but I prefer to use the phone especially when you want to organise something. Going back and forth by text can be very annoying and on some occasions can take hours or days just to organise a meet up on a Friday evening.
2. Not being able to exit an intense social setting. - This has pissed me off over the years. When my energy has been used up and I want to go home and crash, there is always one person who takes it as a personal affront that I would even contemplate going home and would peer pressure me to stay and then complain when I wasn't as energetic as before. I wish I understood then what I understand then.
3.Networking events. -
"What do you do?"
"What do you do on the weekends?"
"Why did you come to Japan?"
"Can you speak Japanese?"
"Where do you live?"
"Nice to meet you."
I'm getting sleepy just writing these things. I think you guys get the idea.
4. Being put on the spot. - This is an interesting one. For me it depends on the day and how I am feeling. On some days, if I'm put on the spot then that is fine, I just take it in my stride. On other days there is absolutely no way that you are going to get me up there in front of other people and potentially make a fool of myself. Find someone else.
5. Two words that strike intense fear into my heart are "overnight stay." - I don't really understand this one. I love overnight stays especially in an area that you are not familiar with. Double points if it is near a beach or lake or a scenic area where you can go for walks etc.
6. First dates terrify me. - Not any more. I am so used to these first dates that it just gets boring occasionally. I think what terrifies introverts about first dates are the batches of small talk that we have to go through. Loo at number three in this list to get an idea of what I am talking about. A first date is just like a networking event but for two people instead of 200 people.
7. Public speaking scares me to death. - No. I've always enjoyed public speaking one of those things that seems to be so scary to most people. I remember a few years ago I went to an event in which I had to speak. The people before me were so nervous that they couldn't get off the stage fast enough. The mumbled their way through the speech and basically ran off the stage.
8. Getting trapped in a social commitment that can prolong for hours. - I remember when I was younger I would want to go to my father's social functions or the sport team's club rooms. This was fun for a few hours but then I wanted to go home but my father would want to stay, talking and catching up with friends. He would tell me that he was ready to go but the time between that proclamation and actually getting in the car to go was an extremely long time as he seemed to want to say goodbye to everyone in the club rooms and their dogs as well. Now I understand why my mother would get shitty with him and curse under her breath as we waited for his grand exit.
9. Having roommates - thus having to be social all the time - is an introverts worst nightmare. - Never had a problem with this one. I would just go into the room, sometimes without saying "hi" and do my thing in there. Nothing wrong with that.
10. My biggest fear is being embarrassed. - Not for me. I do embarrassing things all the time in the guise of trying to improve myself. Let me think of some, oh yes, salsa dancing lessons. I was terrible. I had two left feet. Playing sports that I wasn't very good at. I had the gymnasium laugh at me one time. I'm sure my face went the same red as my singlet. Sure, I was embarrassed but I realised that that embarrassment is only for a short period of time. It is only for that day. How many other people who were present in that gymnasium on that day remember it? Um, maybe about zero.
11. I feel my introversion can scare off a romantic partner. - Yes and no. Your smile could scare them off. The way that you say the word "specific" might scare them off. Who knows? Maybe even your toe could scare them off.
Well George, that was an interesting study in the relationships between men and women.
12. I fear being alone forever because of my introversion. - Just like in number 11, your introversion is not going to make you be alone. Other things might but don't blame introversion.
13. I find it horrifying when my work manager announces, “Let’s have a team-building exercise today.” - Well, I don't work in a team so I'm fine with this one. Sure the people I do work with might have one or two things a year but it isn't a big deal and what is three hours out of your year?
There, you see? It isn't a huge problem being an introvert. I don't know why people make it out as such. You are just doing things that are perfectly normal to YOU.
When historians look back on 2020, what is the first thing they are going to talk about?
The cancelled Olympics?
The American presidential election? (Quite possibly)
The fourth season of The Crown? (It's really good so far.)
All three of those are likely candidates (maybe not The Crown) but I think we all know the answer to my question above. Of course, the Covid-19 Pandemic.
It has been a very "interesting" year for people around the globe. Unfortunately we have had deaths. We have had riots. Unfortunately we have had lockdowns. We have had unemployment. We have had underemployment. We have had hand washing galore. We have had temperatures taken multiple times a day.
All of these are negative but what positives have we got out of it? Lets look at it from an introvert's point of view.
First of all there is a lot more home time. For example, a lot of my work has gone online and so that means staying at home throughout the day. I notice some of my clients are spending two days at work while the other three days are at home.
For introverts this is great as they don't have to deal with their colleagues coming to their desk and asking inane questions or participating in the water cooler talk. Gossip or what have you. People can get a lot more work done at home and then when they have finished it is a 0 minute commute to the kitchen. Also the best thing is that you can ask, "Pants? What are they?"
Secondly, this has something to do with the first one, you have a chance to really concentrate on your work. There are no distractions and no phone calls to take away your concentration and if you do get a phone call, it is easy to ignore it. (I know shock horror. I can hear you asking, "what if it is a client?" Look, I'm sure they will survive. And if they get their knickers in a twist because you called them back two hours later, then do you really want to deal with them? I know, that sounds shocking but think about it.)
Also because we are spending more time at home we are spending more time with our loved ones and that can only be good, can't it?
Of course this whole thing can kind of be anti-social and you could stay at home for days on end. I know in the early stages of the pandemic I stayed inside for up to 4 or 5 days at a time. It wasn't too bad but even though I am an introvert I am by no means a hermit and it did get boring from time to time.
My recommendation is to use this time to build your future life. Maybe try and lose weight. Try to start a business. Write that novel you have always said that you would. Catch up on your reading. I'm sure you have hundreds of books and articles lying around that haven't been read.
This could be the most interesting year of your life or you could feel depressed by it all. Which is it going to be?
I always used to tell the truth (it is important to tell the truth) and say that (more often than not) I wasn't doing anything.
Of course I didn't have any plans to leave the house but I did want to sit in front of the television and blob. (That is a technical term by the way.)
Of course most people who ask if "you are free tonight" and they hear the "no I'm not" reply will automatically assume that you want to go and hit the town with them. This can be problematic for the introvert because they do actually have plans but the aforementioned "blob" is something that they don't want to admit to and it (for some people ) makes them seem lazy even though you are doing what comes naturally to you and that is re-charge at home.
So, what can you do if you are asked this question?
1. Ask straight up, "what do you have planned?" and if it is not what you want to do, say so and try not to crack under the pressure of the guilt trips etc.
2. Tell the truth. "No, I'm blobbing in front of the TV tonight."
3. You could ask what they want to do and then decide then and there.
"Are you free tonight?"
"Why? What are you doing?"
"A whole bunch of people are going to hit the town tonight. It's going to be epic."
"I'm going to take a rain check. Have a good time."
"C'mon man. It's going to be epic. Don't be such a spoil sport."
"Have a great time. See you next week."
4. Tell them that you are not feeling well.
Whatever you decide, make sure you make it your decision. Don't be pressured into anything. If you want, ask that person to come and hang out with you. You never know.
It always surprises me when you hear from someone who you haven't heard from for a long time and they say the following:
"If you want to get a coffee send me a message."
OK. Thank you for the invitation to do the work. Why don't you just ask me out for a coffee now?
I got a message from a woman who I romantically pursued a few years ago and failed dramatically. She decided that we were going to be friends and nothing more. (Did you notice that I didn't write "just friends" because I think that demeans the meaning of the word friends.)
We chatted on Messenger for a few minutes. I was walking home. We hadn't seen each other for two and a half years and to be quite honest, that time was really boring. She seemed more infatuated with the goings-on on her phone. It seemed like I was there for some amusement between checking her phone.
Anyway, we chatted for a few moments and she brought out the above line. I said OK and then did absolutely nothing about it.
Is the above line another version of "lets do lunch"? Am I too gullible? Do I take everything at face value and I shouldn't? I don't know. What I do know that if these people do want to have a coffee they will ask me then and there and it is merely a greeting to end the conversation.
Maybe I should start an online campaign to stop these greetings with no balls behind them. Maybe not. But please make me a promise, if you say something like "lets have lunch" or "lets have a coffee" bloody well mean it.
I better stop here before I start sounding like a whinging Kiwi.
I'm a fan of cooking shows. Whether it be Masterchef or some other kind of show. (In fact recently I've been watching a show on Netflix about BBQing.) I enjoy watching the contestants come up with restaurant quality dishes and then having it judged by the panel of experienced and famous chefs from around the world. I've even watched one episode of Masterchef New Zealand in which I would like to copy what they have done in that particular show. I didn't know what a croquembouche was at that time but I do now and I think that it would be a good challenge even if I can't boil an egg. Oh dear!
One day I was watching the Gordon Ramsay show Hell's Kitchen. This show is interesting too but I seem to prefer Masterchef as the contestants are talented amateurs as opposed to Hell's Kitchen in which the contestants seem to be trained chefs from the start.
Anyway Gordon Ramsay, who I quite like on television. I don't know why. I find him very entertaining and I really like his passion and I wish that I had a fraction of the passion that he shows. He was tasting the signature dishes of the contestants. One of the contestants had admitted to the camera that she was shy. I wondered if what she meant was that she was introverted.
By the way, I'm sure you know that difference between being shy and being introverted but if you don't here it is:
Introvert = the way you energise
Shy = the fear of social judgement.
They are not one in the same.
Back to Hell's Kitchen. Gordon Ramsay was tasting the dishes and he came to the "shy" woman's dish. He tasted it and his critique was that the dish like her was boring.
That got me thinking, does being shy mean you are boring? Does that apply to introverts as well? Do some people think because you are not speaking at the top of your voice and the fact that you are not raving every Friday night that you are boring?
The answer to the question is, it depends. Some people are going to see you as boring. Unfortunately, that is life. They see a timid person who doesn't have a voice who is not gregarious who is constantly avoiding human communication. It sounds harsh I know but what can you do about their judgement of you? Nothing. You could prove them wrong but I am sure that you have other things to do rather than trying to please some party animal.
The people who do know you are going to know the true you. They are going to know your sense of humour, they are going to know your intelligence, they are going to know your playful nature.
Let me ask you, who do you want to impress more? The party animals who probably don't even know your name or the people that mean the most to you?
I think the answer is pretty obvious.
Shy people are boring to some people but they have a lot to offer to other people. So before you start judging people see if that they might have something to offer you.
