Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Significance

This is the need to be special and worthy of attention. It is about being important and feeling acknowledged for something we have done or achieved.

A good example of this would be Facebook. This is because we like to see how many likes we will get for content or how many people will comment on it. I must admit that when I change my profile picture and 50 people like it, it does feel pretty good. Although this is not a great indicator of things as I remember a guy from my gym explaining to me about the rules of the internet. His explanation went something like this:

"Ugly or not so good looking guy or girl says they have discovered the cure for cancer. Maybe they will get a couple of likes and a comment. Handsome guy or extremely hot woman says they they ate an apple and farted. They will get 500 likes and 50 comments." 

In the grand scheme of things, which one is more significant but which one has their need for significance fulfilled?

What are ways to gain that significance in a positive way?

1. You could dress differently to everyone else. This way it draws attention to you and you feel more significant as a result. In the mid-2000's there was a theory called peacocking in which guys would dress up in outrageous costumes to get the attention of women. Here is an example:

2. Some people like to perform. They might like to perform on stage or even make a Youtube video or two. This probably explains why I like to speak in public as it gives me significance. I like it and it energises me when people laugh at my jokes.

3. Being recognised by your peers is one way to gain significance. For example when you are the top salesperson in your organisation this will make you feel good about life and push you on to bigger and better things. The same could be said about the Academy Awards. To us mortals it seems like a big waste of money and we might be right but to the people in the movie industry it is a great honour. And you get to see speeches like this one.

Another one of my favourite speeches is this one.

Of course there are negative ways to build significance:

1. When you sleep with a whole bunch of different people, you are building significance in a negative way. You are just trying to show that you are THE MAN or WOMAN to your peers.

2. Bullying is a sign of trying to get significance in a negative way. By bullying someone, the bully feels a lot better about themselves.

3. Committing a crime so that you can buy something great is a way of gaining significance. I watched a movie recently about a bunch of British criminals on the Costa Del Sol in Spain who used their drug runs and the like to gain significance in the movie.
Also criminals may tell people about what they do because it makes them feel good about it.

4. Animal abuse is a sign that he or she wants significance.

We all want to be important. We all want our lives to have some kind of meaning. Imagine coming to your death bed and and thinking what have you achieved. We really need our lives to matter somehow.

Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Uncertainty

As much as we want certainty  in our lives we also need a little bit of uncertainty. Too much certainty in our lives is quite boring. That's why we do things like take risks and maybe gamble occasionally. Who doesn't like the occasional flutter, right? I know I do. Race 6 Number 2 at Awapuni is my choice.

The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty you can comfortably live with. This is an important factor in all of this.

Everyone is different with the amount of certainty and uncertainty they can have in their respective lives.

When we have too much certainty in our lives we look for ways to correct the balance and do things that might not normally be on the schedule. By this we might go skydiving or bungee jumping. These kind of things can have a positive effect on your confidence but there are other things like having an affair that can have a negative affect on your life.

Uncertainty can be a daunting prospect. It takes time to build your uncertainty muscles. An example would be when a guy approaches a woman. There is uncertainty there because you are not sure how she is going to react. She might be pleased to talk to you or she might flat out reject you which is not much fun at all, believe me.

There are positive and negative ways to get uncertainty in your life. Positive ways can be things like:

Doing something new: I know that when I started this blog I had no idea where it was going but I was able to build my uncertainty muscle that it has become a daily part of my life. Now I think I'm going to have to bring some uncertainty in my blog again. I know how I'm going to do that. Stay tuned.

Changing jobs: You can acquire different skills and this keeps you happy with the variety in your life. I suppose even inside the same company you can change your job that will keep you fresh and looking forward to the new challenge.

Drinking alcohol: This can bring uncertainty because in some people it helps them lose their inhibitions and who knows what could happen. Although in saying that, don't binge. This could really be a problem and this is where it becomes negative because it becomes an addiction which then becomes a certainty.

Food: I remember a few years ago I was back in New Zealand and it was my birthday. I was asked what I wanted to eat and I said Korean food. You have to realise that Korean food is not that well known in provincial New Zealand. Some people were happy with the uncertainty of Korean food while others were not at all.

Trying different dishes is a chance to build your uncertainty muscle. I have heard about Sichuan food from China. I would like to try it but I'm not sure. That sense of uncertainty is quite difficult to break.


The negative ways to get uncertainty in your life are:

Drugs: We take drugs for the feelings that it will bring and also like alcohol it allows you to shed your inhibitions. I've heard that sex is great under the influence of marijuana but if you start having it too much then it becomes an addiction and that makes it a certainty which we are trying to avoid.

Gambling: This is another one that can become an addiction and then it is not good. I gamble maybe once a year, hardly an addiction but there are some people who almost make a living out of it. (I'm not talking about poker here, I'm talking about gambling on the horses or the like.)

Starting a punch up: I walked past a couple of guys this morning who had obviously just beaten the s**t out of each other. They were probably bored and they had nothing better to do so they decided to take that boredom out on each other. This kind of thing might be a way to get your uncertainty but it is dangerous. Some guys may get really drunk which is certainty for them so to get that uncertainty they start a fight.

We should all look for situations outside of our comfort zone but make sure they are good for you. Make sure that they are not going to hurt you in the long run.

I have to repeat this: The quality of your life is governed by how much uncertainty you can live with.

Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Certainty

If you are into self-help and you don't know who Tony Robbins is then you are not really into self-help.

Tony Robbins is an American businessman, author and self-help guru who holds seminars all over the world every year.

Robbins talks about the six human needs. The six human needs are divided into the needs of the personality and the needs of the spirit.

The first human need according to Robbins is the need for certainty. This is a sense of security,  a sense of safety and comfort in the world. Basically we want to know what is going to happen tomorrow.

If certainty is not meet we try to get certainty but in fact most of our successes in life are from times when certainty was not meet.

A positive example of certainty is when you are in a stable relationship. People who are in long-term and stable relationships are healthier, happier and apparently live longer. Sounds good doesn't it?

Unfortunately I lost a chance at a relationship earlier this year because of my need for certainty. We had been on a handful of dates and everything seemed to be going well. We seemed to be enjoying each other's company and then suddenly out of the blue she said that she didn't want to see my anymore.

Of course it was devastating for me at the time because I was looking for that certainty of the relationship and I pushed too soon and too fast and it drove her away. Rather than let her come to me at her pace I was trying to get that certainty that she wanted to spend time with me and the end it was not the result that I wanted.

I would love to see her again and tell her that I am sorry and that I have changed and that I understand what I did wrong and I understand what she wants as a woman but I guess that is up to her to decide. All I can do is carry on doing my thing. Trying to accomplish my mission in life, trying to achieve goals, breaking down barriers and going after my purpose in life. Then if she feels the need to reach out then that would be good and if not, life goes on.

We all want something of value in our lives and something that gives us comfort but sometimes that isn't the best thing and actually the best thing is uncertainty...

Stuck on a deserted island = Heaven? I doubt it.

Spoiler Alert:

Have you seen the movie Cast Away? It came out in 2000 and starred Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks' character was a time obsessed employee of FedEX who was involved in a plane crash in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean. He washed up on a deserted island about 600 miles south of the Cook Islands.

What also washed up were some FedEx packages. Our hero used those packages to build things and for everyday uses.

Basically the movie is in three parts. The first part is Tom Hanks pre-crash and just after when he washes up on the island. The second part is four years later when he is still on the island and has made himself at home so to speak. The third part is after he is rescued and he is back in the US.

My question today for you is how would you survive with no one to speak to but a volleyball for four years?

It sounds like introvert heaven, doesn't it.

Even though a big percentage of us are introverts and we like to recharge by ourselves, the idea of being stuck on somewhere for FOUR YEARS with nowhere to go is something that does not sound very appealing at all.

You hear a lot of people say that they found the perfect hideaway and they had a great holiday either by themselves or with their significant other. The most they are away is two weeks before they get back to civilisation.

Those two weeks may be blissful but surely we all need some social interaction from time to time so I'm willing to bet that even though it is difficult to leave your tropical hideaway that after a couple of weeks a little bit of you is looking forward to getting back to normalcy.

Imagine four years though. Four years on a tropical island for sure but there is no swimming pool, no shower, no Isaac serving cocktails on the promenade deck. (My generation will understand what that means.) I think that you would go crazy and Tom Hanks' character did.

It's all very well being able to recharge by yourself or in a small group but once in awhile you need to get out of that shell and do some socialising. I know for some of you that can be a hassle but for your own sanity it is a must. And who knows you might even enjoy it and want to go again and again.

The introverts of the pet world

When I was 10 years old my family got a cat. A little predominately black cat with a little bit of white fur and a white bit at the end of her tail. Elizabeth (we are quite formal with the names of our pets in my family) was named after my younger brother's music teacher. We had her for seven years until one afternoon my friend and I was asked to cross the street to identify a body that had been found outside our neighbours house. Unfortunately Elizabeth had been hit by a car.

After Elizabeth, Dougal arrived. He was a grey cat who for whatever reason liked to stalk both myself and my mother. Either one of us would be walking down the driveway and we would hear a rustling in the bushes and we would be attacked.

A couple of years later, Dougal was also hit by a car and that was quite sad as well although my legs were secretly kind of relieved.

The scratches on my legs had only just healed when Helen turned up. (Actually her full name was Helen Margaret Mary) I told you that we were formal in the naming of our pets. No Tiger or Missy or Ginger for us.

Helen lived the longest of the clowder (this means a group of cats, like herd of cows) and was probably the most friendly. No scratches for my legs at this time.

Why am I talking about cats today? I can almost hear the dog fans snoring as they read this. Well what if I was to say to you that cats are the introverts and the dogs are the extroverts?

It's pretty obvious isn't it. Cats don't run around wagging their tails trying to talk to everyone they see. They don't go up to everyone with their tongues hanging out saying will you play with me? (Doesn't that sound familiar? Calling everyone on their phone list and putting a message on Facebook to meet him or her at the local pub.)

Cats wander around the house. They will approach only if they want to. They go and do their own thing. They will go and sit in the corner, hopefully with a bit of sun on their backs and go to sleep.

Cats are the introverts. They are very selective about who they give their love to. When they have a cat party they only invite their closest friends not 700 of their best friends.

Cats, like introverts don't need a great deal of attention. They don't mind the spotlight now again but they don't go seeking it 24/7. You don't see them hamming it up too often in the middle of the lounge or the night club dance floor.

Cats don't need to to get out of the house too much. They are pretty happy to stay at home. Sound familiar?

Cats and introverts are loners. They don't mind being in a group but if push comes to shove they would much rather be at home by themselves chilling.

There is however one thing that I want to know. If cats are introverts and my mother and I are the introverts of the family why did Dougal go after us? Why did he decide to pick on us? I don't understand it. Maybe he was an extrovert trapped in a cat's body. Who knows?

Picture above: A couple of introverts chilling on the sofa.

The Politics of Introversion

Politicians. We love them and we hate them, don't we? There are some good ones. There are some bad ones. There are some dodgy ones. There is Winston Peters. The New Zealand political scene would be a lot poorer off if there was no Winston Peters. He brings some colour to it I think. Love him or hate him he does a great job.

One of the more well known speeches in the New Zealand Parliament in the last few years was by Maurice Williamson. He is a MP for the centre right ruling National Party, so basically a MP from a conservative party. He became famous for a speech he made in support of the Gay Marriage Bill in 2013. Here is his speech. It is very entertaining and I think he hits the nail on the head by asking the question how can two people who are the same gender and who love each other who want to get married affect our lives? I agree with him, it doesn't affect our lives one iota. Have a look at the speech and look and listen to how he delivers it.

My question today is, could an introvert deliver this speech? Do you have to be some kind of extrovert to be an affective politician in 2016?

My answer to the first question is a loud and proud YES! My answer to the second question is an emphatic NO.

I believe myself to be an introvert however I'm also, I believe, an OK public speaker. I'm not scared to get up in front of people and talk. Some people, extroverts included are very scared of it. I've heard that people would rather die than talk in public.

Of course in some aspects of politics being an extrovert would be an advantage. By that I mean when you are socialising, schmoozing, that kind of thing, the extrovert would have an advantage. We are also naturally attracted to the more outgoing person so an extroverted person would be better.

I wonder around the world if the MPs are the extroverts and the advisers around them are the introverts. I'm sure that there is a little bit of that but apparently Barrack Obama is an introvert and he only has a small group of advisers because that is how he likes it. If he did have hundreds of advisers it would go against his personality and he would feel very uncomfortable about it.

Some people say that introverts are not as dominant and they would struggle as a politician. Quite frankly, I can't see how being an introvert or an extrovert has anything to do with being dominant. As I have said ad nauseam introverts recharge by being by themselves it doesn't mean they can't function in a big room full of people it just means they would run out of gas quicker than an extroverted person. I'm sure Barrack Obama dominates the room wherever he goes and not just because he is the President of the United States of America.

Introverts can become great politicians. They are just not going to be in your face and climbing up the walls and having parties every night of the week. They will do their job well and do it as effectively as any extrovert out there.

Beating the fears of life.

Have a look at the photo above. Would you believe that the guy in the photo doesn't like dogs? Actually the guy in the photo is scared of dogs. He told me that ever since he can remember he would always cross the street when a dog was coming towards him even if it was on a leash. Even now, he was saying that he is wary of them.

So, how can someone who has admitted to the fact that he is afraid of dogs manage to do this?

Well, I think it helps that the dog was no bigger than a teddy bear and very friendly and obviously well cared for and he just wanted to play. Our hero in the photo obliged and a beautiful friendship developed.

So is the guy in the picture completely over his fear of dogs? Not even close but at least he made a small step that day in overcoming his fear.

What can you do to overcome your fears?

There are two types of fears, physical fears and mental fears. Physical fears and where you are in mortal danger while the mental fears are in your head and you are probably not going to hurt or injured.

Well, first of all you have to acknowledge the fear. You have to know that you have it.

Think about your fear and think about what is the worst thing that can happen. Obviously if you are scared of heights and you decide to confront it by jumping off a bridge with a rubber band strapped around your legs or jump out of an airplane with a parachute strapped to your back then it is pretty obvious what the worst thing is that could happen.

If you are like me you might have a fear of cold calling then what is the worst thing that could happen? Probably you are going to get told to f**k off by someone who got out on the wrong side of the bed in the morning and his or her anger is totally unrelated to your call.

As a man, if you fear approaching a woman, what is the worst thing that can happen? You get rejected. You have to develop that mindset that it is their loss not yours. That takes work and it is not easy.

At the end of the day, you have to face your fears. Think of it as problem that has to be solved and we run towards our problems, don't we? I know in the past I have run full tilt away and it hasn't helped me but if we face our fears we can overcome and become more and more confident as a result.

So, to summarise acknowledge the fear, decide what is the worst thing that can happen and then go and face it and you can conquer your fear like the young man in the photo below. Look the dog absolutely loves him.

I would like to leave the last word to the late Greg Plitt:

"You guys find the fear. That Fear will either create you or destroy you. I love fear, the reason why is behind your fear is the person that you want to be. Fear is self imposed. To me it doesn't exist. You create it. You can destroy it too. It's an intangible.  If you face your fears you will realise that its not that big and once you face it. Oh my god, I spent all this time running from it and its so small. I should have just faced it."