Social withdrawal

引き籠もり

In this post I introduced the Japanese word uchibenkei (内弁慶) which basically means a person who is quite quiet outside of the house but is literally king of the castle at home.

Let me introduce you to another Japanese word, Hikikomori (引き籠もり). This is the Japanese phenomenon in which adults lock themselves in their house and never ever leave. They basically withdraw from society all together.

They are (usually) men of all ages who just lock them in their rooms and never come out. It is estimated that there is close to one million people who are living like this.

There are all sorts of reasons why this phenomenon in Japan has occurred, although in saying this I'm sure that this happens in other countries as well but maybe not to the same extent as it happens in Japan.

Anyway, there are reasons for this. After reading this book  a few years ago I came to realise that the problem is society's as a whole not just the individual.

In this book written by Michael Zielenziger he suggests that the cause of this phenomenon is that these people have developed independent thought that society doesn't want to know about.

This Japanese proverb, 出る釘は打たれる, the nail that sticks out gets hammered down is a perfect expression for what the author is saying is happening in Japan. In saying that though, this does happen in other countries. In my home country, New Zealand and in Australia also there is a similar expression, 'tall poppy syndrome' in which society tries to bring high achievers down to their level.

I believe that the Hikikomori people do have a lot to contribute to society but they may have been bullied as a student or they may have had their ideas flat out rejected so when that happened they basically gave the middle finger to society and said if you don't want what I have to offer then you don't get me.

It is really unfortunate that this happens because nobody wins in this situation. Society loses out on these thinkers and the individuals lose out by not being able to contribute to society. It really is a sad situation.

So what can we do to get these people out in society again?

Well this is easier said than done but we have to accept that people are different. We can't just pigeon hole people into different groups and then bully them if they don't belong in these groups. As I said, that is easier said than done because there are always going to be negative people out there, people who want to bring you down a peg or two because in their mind you are growing too big for your boots.

We need to accept that people are going to be different to us and that is good. I mean how boring would the world be if everyone is exactly the same.

You will find that in the world that best friends are usually different personalities because they complement each other. The same goes for couples. One of the couple might be the outgoing one while the other person maybe a little bit more introverted. I know that I am attracted to women who are a little bit more extroverted. I don't have to lead the interaction all the time which would drain my battery very quickly.

How can we get these Hikikomori people out of their self-imposed cocoons? That is a very difficult question but it something that we need to think seriously about  because if we do indeed live in an extroverted society then this phenomenon may grow and grow and that isn't good for anyone.

How to beat the weather

夏バテ

It was about 37 degrees here yesterday. For those of you who work in fahrenheit, 37 degrees celsius is bloody hot.

There is a word in Japanese, 夏バテ. It is pronounced natsubate and would be translated as summer fatigue. You feel terrible. You may lack appetite. You feel drowsy and you walk around in a semi-permanent form of blah!!!

How do you fight this? Well they say that you should drink warm drinks and eat lots of fruits and vegetables and do some exercise. (That sounds like something you should be doing all throughout the year, not just when it is too hot to move.)

I was thinking about how you fight it as well. It seems to me that some of this is a mental thing. For example if you are walking around town thinking to yourself that it is hot, guess what, you are going to feel hotter and you are going to not have a great day.

The same goes with the middle of winter. If that is all you think about that it is cold then you are going to feel freezing.

Come to think of it when you are tired you will become more tired if that is all you are thinking about. This morning for example I woke up in a pile of sweat and I didn't feel very well at all. However, what I found out that I wasn't very sick. I just thought I was. I just thought that I was sick and that I should stay in bed all day and because I probably would have only thought about how hot it was and how awful I was feeling it would have not fixed any problems at all. I would have just woke up tomorrow morning with the same feeling.

I forced myself to get out of bed. I forced myself to go and have a shower, to put my clothes on and get going because I have goals I want to achieve and things that I want to do. In the end I am writing this. I feel fine. I maybe should be drinking more water but it is my goals that have got me here today along with a little bit of willpower and the "don't give up" in the back of my mind.

Sometimes you know that you are sick and staying in bed is the best thing but when you stay in bed to avoid something, the only person you are hurting is yourself and you are giving up on one day that can give you a little bit of a push towards those goals.

Don't let the weather beat you. Organise your life so that you don't need to fear the weather. You know that you are going to be doing the same thing, come sun or rain.

Our social batteries

I started reading this book the other day. It is a book about how introverts need to stand out in today's day in age. I haven't read a lot of it yet but I get the impression that it is talking about the message that I want to get across and that is that today even if you are introverted that is nothing to be embarrassed about but sometimes you need to come out of your shell so to speak and become that situational extrovert.

The author also introduced something called the social battery, which is really interesting. He says that we all have the social battery and when it is full in each and everyone of us then we are indistinguishable as introverts and extroverts. However, as the evening goes on some people's batteries will go down faster than other people's.

Let me give you an example.

My friend who I have known since I was 11 years old now lives on the other side of the world however he does come and visit me here in Tokyo from time to time. I think that he has come here 7 or 8 times. Each time he comes he and I have a great time, pigging out on junk food, (although Mr. Donut choco old fashioned donut can not be considered junk food) hitting the bars, mid-afternoon karaoke and spending time in book shops.

Usually the highlight of the trips are the nights out and this is where the social battery can be seen in all it's glory.

My friend is very much an extrovert while I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. I'm a bit more introverted lets say.

Now, I like going out and about as much as the next person but my social battery runs out a lot faster than an extrovert. So my friend and I would hit the town and we would go to a few places and lets say by 2am my social battery is running low, I'm literally running on fumes while my extroverted friend's petrol tank is still three quarters full and he is going for it. Usually by 4am I'm asleep in the corner and he is just hitting his stride. It's like he has been to the petrol station and he has a full tank of gas.

I will then give him the key and tell him I'm going home. I'll be in bed at 4.30am and he will get home at 6am or 7am.

We have both enjoyed the night but each of us have our limit and that is OK.

How many times have you been out and you know you have reached your limit of social interaction and you decide to leave? You tell the extrovert of the group your plan and they react like it is the biggest affront to their social plans of the night. This is where things can get uncomfortable. If the introvert and extrovert knew how each other tick there would be no problem and everyone would get along.

We still things the way that we see the world. So an extrovert would think that everyone should be out dancing and drinking until sparrow's fart.

Once we all recognise that we each have our social battery then we can plan accordingly and we know that some people are not going to last the distance while others are going to last the distance and have it a long way away in their rearview mirrors.

Rugby and Cricket commentators: Is it best to be extroverted or introverted.

I've watched a lot of sports over the years both at the stadium and on the television. What I have noticed in the last few years is that the commentators have changed a bit.

When I was growing up the cricket commentators were like they are now mostly former players who offered their thoughts on the action going on out in the middle. The commentators were quite tame. They weren't outrageous at all and they just talked about the what was going on and maybe talk about some the strategy in the game and the technique of some of the players.

Rugby was kind of the same but for New Zealand rugby audiences Keith Quinn could get quite excited at times. Jonah Lomu running over Mike Catt comes to mind:

Back then sports on television was mostly broadcast by state television or terrestrial channels. Now, we have pay television. We have sports channels and they are paying big bucks to have the right to broadcast these sports events and that is the operative word events. They are not just sports broadcasts anymore. These are televisions events that need the big build up and the razzmatazz and all that.

Because of this the commentators are becoming more and more exuberant.

Now I have said time and time again that we are living in an extroverted world and to get anywhere you need to show a little bit of extrovertism (is that a word?). What is surprising is that these more extroverted commentators in New Zealand anyway seem to get a lot of stick from the viewing public. When I think of three New Zealand commentators I think of three in particular, two rugby commentators and one cricket commentator.

Before I comment I'll let you decide for yourself:

This is Danny Morrison, ex-New Zealander cricketer.

Next we have former All Blacks Number 8 and commentator, Murray Mexted.

And finally the current comments man on New Zealand Sky Sports coverage of rugby, Justin Marshall.

First of all, Danny Morrison. There was a bit of controversy about this although I did read that the people in Mohali didn't seem to care and it was all a storm in a teacup. At the end of the day (a real sport's cliche) he is just a commentator and he is doing what he is told to do by the producers. He gets very excited in the commentary booth and some people don't like it. What's wrong with it? He is just showing his enthusiasm and passion for the sport he loves. In this case he wore the dress of the area in which he was in. What is the difference between that and the following photo?

                                            

Nothing. Both people are respecting the situation that they are in and having a good time. Actually I know from good authority that the good looking guy in the maroon turban was asked questions about the food and drink that was served at the temple. The people thought that he was Sikh. Obviously he showed the greatest respect and that is all you can ask.

Murray Mexted and Justin Marshall are the same as Danny Morrison. They both love rugby. They both love the All Blacks having played for the team so they like to bring that enthusiasm out in their commentary but they still get criticised.

I suppose it comes down to the individual and people are more likely to complain and make a song and dance about those kinds of commentators than the people who like them. For those people, the commentary adds to the sports occasion and they enjoy watching the sport first and foremost.

So to answer my question in the title of this post, is it best to be extroverted or introverted as a rugby or cricket commentator?

It doesn't matter as long as you have the knowledge about what is going on in the middle and you love it. It doesn't matter one iota if you are yelling and screaming or your comments are quieter and thought through. You are going to have haters on either side and that is life.

To finish something you need to start somewhere.

The cat sat on the mat. Yep, this blog has come to this. I was sitting in front of my computer this morning trying to think what I should write. It is incredibly hard coming up with things to write about day after day. God knows how people who have been doing this kind of thing for years and years do it.

What I have found in the last few months is that just starting to do something gets the thoughts flowing and you come up with ideas as you go along. I have found that some of my better posts have started with one sentence which I have written down and then the ideas come to me and I have to force myself to finish the post because if I don't I could still be writing today.

The cat sat on the mat may sound simplistic and not make much sense but by writing this down you are starting something that has the potential to become something spectacular.

What is that Chinese proverb?

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

The cat sat on the mat is that single step.

Why you should learn to speak in public.

What a handsome looking young man he is. This is a (not very clear) photo of me in 7th form. I'm showing my age a bit here because 7th form doesn't exist in New Zealand anymore. I believe it is called Year 13 now, in other words my final year of secondary school (high school).

This particular photo was taken at the General Studies class. The 7th formers could choose 3 subjects that weren't regularly on the curriculum and attend classes in that subject each term. This particular one was taken in the public speaking class.

For a lot of people public speaking is a huge fear. We do not like getting up in front of a bunch of people and speaking. It scares us to death, which unsurprisingly is another one of our fears.

Anyway, my suggestion to you today is going to be short and sweet.

Teach yourself to speak in public. It could be one of the most important things that you do in life.

I know that getting up and speaking is really difficult even if only 3 people are listening to you. You feel especially vulnerable and it is just plain scary but if you can overcome that fear then your self-confidence and your self-esteem goes up.

I like to get a reaction from the crowd so if they laugh at my corny jokes then my energy goes up. It's like I have ingested a half a gallon of Red Bull and it goes on from there.

Follow the young man's lead. Learn how to speak in public and I'm sure that your impact will rise in all of your interactions both social and in business.

How to say no when you want to chill

My friend always jokes to me that I need 6 weeks notice before doing anything. He thinks that I can't do anything spur of the moment. Do I really need 6 weeks notice or is there other things associated with this?

It all comes down to how you organise you day. Let me give you how I planned my day today.

I have been working quite hard this week, getting home late and leaving early in the morning so this morning I decided to sleep in a little and just relaxed at home. I then planned to go to the gym and after that I had a couple of work related things to do and then I came to where I am sitting now to write this post and do some other things.

After finishing here I will go home and go to bed. Sounds exciting, right? Well for me it is and that is the way I designed the day.

You might design your day differently and you might have your own ways of relaxing or recharging and that is the key your own way.

I remember a few years ago I had a friend (the past tense is deliberate because we don't speak anymore) who would call me up and ask me what I was doing. When I said nothing that was an invitation he thought to ask me to have a beer with him. I'm sure in his mind he thought that Blair wouldn't say no and if I did he would use peer pressure to get me out. Knowing what I know now I would have no problem to say no because I wanted to do nothing and that is how I recharge but he always seemed to win which when I look back it annoys me.

If you don't want to socialise on that particular night, say no. I know that that can be difficult to say no but you have to think of yourself and do what is best for you.

In saying that, if you have organised that night out sometime in advance, try to think of good reasons why you should go and keep reminding yourself up to the time because I know from experience that come the day maybe 50% of the time you may want to get out of it and I don't think that is fair on the other person or yourself to be honest. If it is the same day and a spontaneous thing then by all means say no.

Know yourself. Know what you like and what you don't like and remember to do what is best for you as I know from experience that if you are forced to do something that you are not keen on it is going to be the last time that you do it because if you are anything like me, you are going to really dig your heels in.