When you are doing anything you need to have a definite plan. You need to know exactly what you are going to do. There is nothing worse than some wishy washy plan that no one ever follows through with.
When people say "lets do lunch" it means absolutely nothing unless you nominate a day and time.
I remember I had just arrived in Japan and someone , I can't remember his name, said "You should come to my house for lunch or dinner one day." I said great and then asked immediately when I should come. Of course he was just being nice and as you probably guessed by now that invitation never came to fruition.
So in saying that, lets make a definite plan:
Hi,
How are you? Long time no see.
I know that you read this blog on a regular basis, thank you very much by the way. It is nice to have a loyal reader and I hope that you have learned something about personalities and you have probably learned a great deal about me as well. Although I'm sure that you have some questions as well. You are curious, right?
Lets have dinner together on February 18th. We will cook together and eat together at my place (I have a new place now) For dinner we can have my special curry and then I will surprise you for dessert. Sorry I'm not going to give you any hints. You will have to see.
Send me a message and I'll tell you what time and where to come to.
Also, the weekend after, the 25th, my team, the Hurricanes are playing the Sunwolves. I know you will enjoy it. 1pm kickoff. Lets go together.
There you have it, two plans. The other person knows when, where and a little bit about what you are going to do. Some of what you are going to do, not all though.
The next day someone says to you lets do something, take the bull by the horns and make an appointment, make a date. You'll be glad you did.
The Super Bowl. It is an American sporting tradition. The two top teams in the NFL (National Football League) battle it out in early February for the right to be called the NFL champion for that season.
They say it is the biggest sporting event of the year. I thought that was the Tour de France but lets not split hairs.
I have to disclose something here, I don't think I have ever sat down and watched the game from go to woe but I think it would be really cool to get a ticket and go along to the stadium once in my lifetime to experience the American sporting atmosphere.
My image of the Super Bowl is the idea of people inviting their friends and family around for a Super Bowl party. The have some great food, drink a few beers and basically enjoy the night. (Does that sound about right?)
I wonder, how many people have actually watched a NFL game in that season. I bet that a large percentage of people have:
a. Not watched a game that season b. No idea who is playing c. No idea about the rules d. Wondered why they wear helmets and pads (in fact rugby fans like myself wonder that all the time.) e. Just gone to the party because it is the thing to do.
What is it about sport that gets people to congregate?
I think about the Hong Kong 7's. For those of you that don't know, the Hong Kong 7's is arguably the biggest event on the Hong Kong sporting calendar and it is a rugby union tournament. Rugby union is traditionally played with 15 people per team but this tournament is only 7.
People, even if they are not particularly interested in rugby will flock to this event because it is the thing to do.
I always thought it would be a good thing to go to but have never made the trip. Firstly, I don't really like rugby 7's. I find it boring actually. Also the three days of constant drinking and socialising would be too much stimulation for me, I would say.
I'm sure people who go to these events have a great time and they look forward to as one of the biggest events on their social calendars for the year. I've always wondered if they can tell me the winner of the game if I see them the next morning. I doubt it.
I went to watch the Japan 7's tournament a couple of times and I have no idea which team won which just goes to show why people go along to these events.
Enjoy the game and I look forward to a full report on the game on Monday morning.
Today I would like to give you some dating advice if you happen to be going out with someone who might not necessarily be the life and soul of the party. They may be a little more quiet than you are used to and they might not want to do things that you want to do.
Today, there are so many rules in the dating world. You can't do this and you can't do that and "Oh my god, did you actually do that?" It is difficult to know what the other person may be thinking but if you are dating a more received person there are things to take into account.
These are things to know if you are dating an introvert:
1. You or your friends?
An introvert will 90% of the time choose you over your friends. Don't be offended by it. It doesn't mean that they hate your friends, far from it, they just prefer to hang out with you because they are energised by that. Hanging out with you and 6 of your best friends can be tiring and they will do it for you but don't expect it to happen all of the time.
2. Introverts do like being social
Introverts are not hermits. They do enjoy the company of people and social occasions just don't expect them to up partying with you until the crack of dawn. My friend always jokes that "you went home early. 6am." He was still going and I had checked out somewhere between 3am and 4am and I was just running on fumes. Expect your introverted partner to want to go home early. I assure you, you will thank him or her in the morning.
3. Introverts are not snobs
Just because they are quiet or they are a little standoffish, it doesn't mean they are being snobby. Far from it they are just not so sure how to interact with you because they don't know you. Once they get to know you, they will be great friends. They will be very loyal and some of the best friends you even had. I actually had a former work colleague say that he thought I was really snobby when he first met me. In the end he said that was the furtherest from the truth.
4. Introverts will come out of their shell
You might not be able to get a lot out of them at the start but don't give up. The more they feel comfortable with you the more they will present themselves to you and the more that their true self will become known to you.
5. Introverts won't be the life and soul of the party
Sorry, they just won't be. They are not going to initiate the conga line at all but they will join in the dancing once it is going. Don't be surprised to see your introverted partner rocking the dance floor once he or she feels comfortable with the surroundings. You might be shocked.
Examples of dances might be the hokey pokey (hokey tokey for New Zealand readers) or my favourite one:
Yes, I know that you cool people are thinking WTF? but it's a favourite and after a few drinks, who cares anyway, right?
6. Introverts do what they want to do
Don't you forget this. Introverts as you can probably realise by now won't be out and about every night of the week but when they do decide to go out to a party or social event with you they will make sure that it is special for you.
7. They are interesting people and don't forget that
Do I have to explain this?
You might not be dating the party animal that you are but that is OK. You two can complement each other. The yin and yang so to speak.
Don't be disappointed if your partner doesn't want to go out raging with you on Friday night. They are conserving their energy for when they meet you on Saturday night and that can't be wrong, right?
Embarrassment is a progenitor of low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one probable cause of why a person is introverted.
I read these sentences in this book and I thought of a couple of things. The author writes about introversion and shyness.
First of all many people believe that introversion and shyness are the same thing and they are not. As Susan Cain, the patron saint of introverts says in her Ted Talk, shy people are fearful of social judgement while introverts are energised by some alone time or with one or two good friends.
It is possible to be a shy extrovert though. We have this image of extroverts as confident, party going, dancing on the bar, yahooing people and in some cases that is true (I'm thinking of one person in particular when I write that) but not all people who are extroverts (remember, an extrovert is someone who is stimulated by being in social situations. i.e. parties, events, concerts etc) are comfortable in these situations. They might want to be at a party but once they get there they find it difficult to talk to anyone. They are energising by the music and people around the place and smoke and the food but once they get with a group they find it difficult.
What are the signs that you are a shy extrovert?
There are a few:
1. They like to be at the party but they find it difficult to engage with people.
As I said above, these people are energised by the business and the loud music but when it comes to making conversation, they find it difficult. Another example would be a guy going to the bar and having a good time with his mate or mates but when it comes to flirting with women they find it very difficult to.
I have been in this situation many times. I remember one woman was giving me the come hither look at a nightclub a few years ago and all I did was nothing. Maybe I smiled a couple of times. The look she gave me when she left the nightclub that night was the proverbial 'if looks could kill.'
2. A shy extrovert is someone who loves the big party or the nightclub.
They are able to blend into the surroundings and as you can see in my previous example they might not necessarily talk to anyone but they are comfortable. The quieter events are more stressful for a shy extrovert because they are scared that they might be put on the spot. It is sort of the same kind of fear that people have of public speaking.
By the way, if you fear public speaking and you would like to get better at that I suggest Toastmasters. You can read more about it here or here.
3. Shy extroverts don't need constant conversation.
You will find the more 'pure' extrovert can not stand the lull in conversation and they have to fill that gap with talk that to the introverted might sound like 'pure bullsh*t.'
It can be really tiring to listen to someone who either loves the sound of their own voice or just doesn't have an off button. You never know when you will get a chance to say anything or when they might finish. This is where knowing how to eject yourself from the conversation is very important.
4. Shy extroverts love to have long conversations.
I've done it myself at events or the like where I have met someone interesting, usually they are standing by themselves looking nervous, so you go up and say hi. Most of the time they are pleased to hear from you and will engage you in conversation.
I remember at an embassy event a few years ago introducing myself to a guy I had played cricket against a few years before. I think he was similar to me as talked for about one hour about cricket. It's quite possible that both of us didn't want to go and meet other people as that would have been a hassle.
5. Shy extroverts hate public speaking.
When you are giving a speech or presentation you are the centre of attention and that is just not very comfortable. I've read that the reason why we hate public speaking is that it goes back to the caveman times when humans were prey to all of those nasty carnivores roaming the earth. Imagine the feeling that you are been stalked by a sabre-toothed tiger or something similar, it wouldn't be a very nice experience and this is the same kind of feeling we get when we are public speaking. We are the prey and the audience is the sabre-toothed tiger.
(Not a sabre-toothed tiger but imagine having the feeling that you are being stalked by this fellow. This is the same feeling we get with public speaking.)
6. The recharge time is important.
Like an introvert, the shy extrovert needs that alone time but not as much. The shy extrovert may want to stay at home on a Saturday night but at about 10pm, they get antsy. They start thinking about the things that they might be missing out on. They then have two options, go out or go to bed to try and get the feeling to go away while asleep.
Don't think that introversion equals shyness and extroversion equals outgoingness. We all have our different switches and it is good to know what those switches are so as to take better care of ourselves and to know when to stay and to know when to go.
Some people love it. They like to be amongst it. They are energised by it. They like to get into debates about anything and everything.
A lot of us also like avoid it if at all possible. We think that this is the best way because if we are avoiding it, we are making our lives less stressful. In fact the opposite applies. The more we let it build up the more difficult it will be to face in the future.
Why do we avoid confrontation?
1. You are not confident about your thoughts and opinions
This is an interesting one. When you are a quieter person you will naturally not share your opinions anyway but when you lack confidence you are scared to say them because you fear being knocked down. People who are good talkers (by that I mean they talk a lot) will on occasions shoot you down without thinking about your feelings in the moment. Even if their opinion is wrong and has the wrong information they will just say you are wrong so that they can continue talking and when this happens we just shut down so that we don't got through the embarrassment again.
2. Negative experiences
This relates to the previous point. We have a negative experience and we relate that to confrontation so we avoid it.
3. We don't want to hurt someone's feelings
Recently I received an email requesting something. I opened it and read it. It was quite late at night at the end of the week and sent a very terse email back. Very confrontational. The receiver replied apologising to me for making me feel uncomfortable when in fact I should have been the one apologising as I was overly confrontational. Generally we will avoid sending these kind of emails when we should really do. My reaction was not warranted at that time but in other circumstances I should write like that because it warrants it.
4. Lack of confidence
Shy guys will be able to relate to this. They see someone that they are attracted to and they want to go up and say hi but they are held back. Why? Because of the fear of confrontation. Think about it. Approaching someone is a form of confrontation. You are interrupting their day to say hi, or ask for something or ask for a date or a coffee etc. If it is man on woman in the street you are basically challenging them to say yes or no. When you have a lack of confidence you will avoid this situation and as I said before this festers and you feel worse and worse. It's like ripping a band aid off. If you do it straight away, of course it will sting but you will get over it. If you keep it on thinking about it, it will hurt, you mind will make up ways to not do it and you existence will not be very good for a long time.
How do you get over your fear of confrontation?
Using the band aid analogy you just have to rip off, i.e. talk about straight away. The more you let it fester, the worse you will feel and the harder it will be to talk about it at a later date.
At the end of the day, which is the better solution an awkward conversation for 7 minutes or 3 weeks of doubt, worry and anxiety?
In job interviews, engaging people do better than reserved ones, even if the reserved one is a better candidate.
When I read this statement I almost fell off my chair. What? You've worked hard to get good grades in school and to get the experience that is needed for this particular job but because you can't schmooze as well as the other guy you are not going to get the job?
Well it appears so or does it?
I think like anything this is very much case by case.
If you are applying for a technical job then surely your ability and skills are far going to outweigh your ability to chat about what happened on the previous night's episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians.' But in saying that if you are applying for a sales position then your ability to chat and small talk may outweigh what you got on your graduation thesis.
Try not too talk too much though because the more you talk the more chance you have of saying something that will turn off the interviewer.
It is kind of like texting with someone that you have a romantic interest in. The telephone in sales and dating is for setting 'appointments' only. The more you say in these conversations the more chance you have of saying something or telling a joke that isn't quite understood and the appointment suddenly becomes difficult to get.
Don't talk too much. Don't give too much away.
For the introverted person, the 'reserved ' ones here are a couple of pieces of advice to deal with interviews that might need a bit of 'chat.'
1. Try to bring the topic around to something that you know well and that the interviewer has some interest in as well. For example, if you both enjoy sports, then talk about that. I would always talk about cricket if I was talking with someone from the Indian sub-continent. More often than not they would have some kind of interest in that sport and bingo, you have a connection.
2. Ask questions. Try to prepare a whole bunch of questions for the interviewer. If they like to chat then give them the opportunity to exercise their mouths. You never know, the more they talk, the more that they are going to enjoy themselves and more likely that they are going to think that you are the best thing since sliced bread because they did all the talking. What an evil plan! You might get the job though so not so evil for you anyway.
What you have to realise is that there are going to be times where you need to be more chatty and you need to be prepared for that. Are you?
Tupac, the late American rapper said, "The realest people don't have a lot of friends."
Is this true? Lets have a look. As an introverted soul I would like to answer quickly and say yes. I believe that quieter people have fewer friends but good friends and friends for life while the more expressive people might say they have hundreds of friends but at best most of them are acquaintances only.
But does this make these people real?
All I can say about that is case by case.
The stereotype, in my mind anyway is that introvert have only a few friends but most are very, very close. While the extroverts has "hundreds" of friends and "thousands" of Facebook friends and someone that they meet only once is also their friend even if they struggle to remember their name or one fact about the other person. They are all "friends."
Yes and no. Not all extroverts have boatloads of friends and not all introverts are Billy No Mates.
I think it all comes down to what your definition of friend is. In this post I said that the definition of friend for me anyway is someone who will help you out at 3am on a Tuesday morning in the middle of winter.
In that sense if you claim that you only have a small number of friends but they will all help you out on that Tuesday morning then you are real. You are legit.
If you say that you have thousands of friends, then in my mind you don't know what you are talking about and your definition of friends is way out. You are not fake, but I don't think you are real or living in reality.
If you can go through life with two or three very close friends, then I think you are doing very well.
The people with "thousands" of friends will disagree with me but if you really think about it you only two or three. Ask them for help at 3am. You will find out.
I suppose at the end of the day, it doesn't matter how many friends you have as long as you are happy and you and them can give each other that mutual support as you navigate this life.
