How to be comfortable in an uncomfortable environment

Have you ever had the experience in which your friend has invited you to an event? The reason is that they are going and they say that you can come along too. Do you feel awkward when you arrive at the venue by yourself and your friend is nowhere to be seen?

I can think of two occasions recently when this happened and I felt like a fish out of water both times so I like today to think of some strategies if this happens to you. What can you do as an introvert or an extrovert to make this situation more comfortable?

First of all let me tell you about my two recent experiences.

Out of the blue one weekend I was contacted by a friend of mine asking me if I wanted to go to a party. Because this person is quite extroverted I thought that it would be OK to tag along and see what the party was like. It was a home party at the apartment of someone I had never met and I didn't even know his or her name.

My friend asked me to meet at a station in the north of Tokyo at 6pm. I arrived as usual a few minutes early and then I get a text saying that she was in a car and wouldn't be back until about 7.30pm and that I should go to the party and she would meet me there.

Think about it for a minute. I was asked to go to a someone's place that I didn't know. I didn't even know their name. That person didn't even know me and didn't know that I had been invited. What would you do?

Well, after I got the address I put it into my phone and proceeded to walk there mainly because I was curious about the neighbourhood. It is always interesting walking around new neighbourhoods and seeing what they have to offer.

I got closer to the destination and I thought this is going to be extremely awkward and in the end I chickened out.

I was quite angry with my friend and I texted her to tell her that I am going home. It felt a little disrespectful to be honest. That she had invited me and then was going to be one hour and a half late.

The second occasion was with another friend who had invited me to a restaurant. They were having a party to celebrate their anniversary of the opening of the restaurant and I was invited. I was told to meet my friend there. I had figured that I was going to be the only non-Japanese person there and the fact that I was going to stick out like a sore thumb caused me to be a bit anxious.

I arrived and I couldn't see my friend anywhere. This was another occasion in which I had been invited by my friend and I didn't feel entirely comfortable but went along.

When I got there I had to compose myself in the loo (British slang for toilet). Fortunately my friend was outside and I was able to enter the place comfortably.

What can we learn from these two experiences? What should I have done better?

First of all, like any social occasion for people who are a little introverted like me the first ten minutes  of any event is always going to be uncomfortable. I'm not sure what else to say but you are going to have to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable.

I think the best way at a social event is to basically see someone that is on their own and go and say hi. 99 times out of 100 they are going to love to hear from you because they are thinking the same thing as you. Also after a couple of beers all of that uncomfortable stuff has gone and you will wonder what all your worry was about.

There is that great saying that you need to fake it until you make it and when you arrive at an event sometimes it's best to imagine, in the words of Leonardo DiCaprio, "I'm the king of the world" and walk in like you own the place. I know, once again it is going to be uncomfortable, but only for a few minutes but finally you will be comfortable and you will have a great night.

I remember a friend and I a few years ago walking into a bar in Tokyo. We didn't organise this beforehand but we both walked in like we owned the place sat down ordered a drink quite quickly, flirted with the server a bit and had a great time all because we didn't apologise for being there. I believe that is the secret, don't apologise for being there.

What about the home party? I think that I did the correct thing. If a total stranger turned up to my party (that I host once a decade) then I would be suspicious. I think it's best that you turn up with your friend and if they are late, walk away.

Also, I believe that even though the host is going to be busy try to say hello and spend a couple of minutes chatting with them so that you feel comfortable in their place. Also the fact that you spent a couple of minutes chatting with them means that they are comfortable with someone walking around their place who was a complete stranger five minutes before.

Take chances to interact with people but be selective. Remember that your social battery is going to run out faster than a lot of people so pick which invitations you are going to accept, be careful not to accept all of them because you are going to be shattered by the end.

Have fun and remember that there is a high chance that there are a few people who are also feeling uncomfortable. Seek them out, they are going to be pretty easy to spot. They will appreciate your effort.

What I learned from a broken umbrella?

This morning I woke up at 5am and got myself ready. I left the house at 5.45am for a just under 15 minute walk to the gym. It was raining as I left, something that I didn't realise until I was outside.

Fortunately I always carry a foldable umbrella in my bag so that if it does rain, then I am prepared and don't get particularly wet.

This morning however I noticed that my umbrella had broken. It still could be put up though and still keep me reasonably dry but it was obviously broken.

As I was approaching the gym I was walking past a 7/11 convenience store and three "woman" got out of a taxi. I was then told that I needed a new umbrella.

"No kidding" I thought to myself. Then I said out loud in as a sarcastic tone as I could muster "Thank you very much for the observation, I would never had known if you hadn't told me."

That was the end of the interaction. However it got me thinking, why do people need to tell people something that is pretty obvious? Why did these three have to tell me that my umbrella was broken and tell me in an almost mocking tone? Finally why did I get so annoyed about it?

Let me try to answer the first question. The whole scene must have looked funny to them as I was walking down the street with the front of my umbrella bent down. Also judging by the way they were dressed it looked like they had been out all night. (I wonder what the scene is like on a Monday night.) They might have had a few during the night and they say that imbibing a few brings about Dutch courage. (By the way, can anyone tell me what the Netherlands has to do with losing your inhibitions under the influence of alcohol?)

I know in New Zealand I have had people yell something at me at all times of the day and night just because I happened to be there and I was the closest person available.

I think the reason that people do shout out things is that it makes them feel better about themselves as though they are superior to the person they are talking to. They need that outlet because maybe they are underlings at their job and this is a time to have a go at a total stranger.

The reason I got annoyed was that first of all I didn't think it needed to be said. I already knew that my umbrella was broken and I was a little self-conscious about when in reality I shouldn't have given a f**k. Who cares what these people think? But I was worried about it and these people's comments just made me angry. It pissed me off in fact.

My point today is that by all means try to build your confidence. Try to build your self-esteem up. I think that is why we are here but don't do it at the expense of others. I have read stories of people who are obviously overweight been yelled at from the safety of the car. They have been running along the street trying to lose some of that weight. Good on them I say, they are probably conscious of it already and then to get these idiots yelling abuse at them is just pathetic. Yell encouragement or better still get out running with them but don't tell them something they already know.

So, next time you see someone out with broken umbrella, why don't you offer your one to him to her? Give it expecting nothing in return.

Dear Introverts ...

How do extroverts recharge their batteries?

They go out on a Friday night and let their hair down and go for it. They consume copious amounts of Red Bull and just let loose and watch out anyone who is in their way. They are going to have a great time and anyone who is quiet need not apply.


How do introverts recharge their batteries?

They are going to stay at home with their significant other and relax. They are going to cook a wonderful dinner together, maybe open a bottle wine or a few beers and they are going to have a great evening. After dinner they might pop a DVD into the player or they might Netflix and Chill.


To you introverts out there, remember this is how you recharge. I get that. I do exactly the same but do not use that as an excuse to stay at home all the time. We are by definition social creatures and we do need some social interaction from time to time. The more extroverted person needs it ALL THE TIME. You need it too, sometimes.

Make sure that you get out of the house from time to time and go and meet some new people. It doesn't have to be an all-nighter. It doesn't have to be at a bar or club. (We tend to think of this as the default place to go.) It can be at a gym. It can be playing sport. If you are really brave, it could be while you are walking around shopping.

Whatever you do, make it fun. Don't use your introversion as an excuse. You are not shy. That is a different kettle of fish altogether.

Get out and meet some people. You might find that you really, really enjoy it.

Is this good or bad hospitality?

おもてなし

In September 2013, Tokyo successfully applied to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games.

The highlight of the Tokyo presentation to the IOC members was television personality, Christel Takigawa's speech in French when she said the words 'Omotenashi,' お も て な し. Apparently, many Japanese people had never heard this word before or they didn't know what it meant. (They do know it now, believe me.)

Anyway, what is this omotenashi about? The short answer is I don't know. Well, I do but not really. It is one of these Japanese concepts that can be difficult to explain.

This is how I understand or how I learnt it. Omotenashi basically means hospitality and it is about anticipating your guest's needs.

I'll give you an example. Lets say you are going to a customer or client's company for a meeting. It is a hot sunny day, about 36 degrees celsius and you are sweating like a pig. You have your jacket hanging over your arm which means your arm is now all sweaty. You arrive to the customer's air conditioned office. You are asked to sit in the meeting room. A woman (99% of the time it is a woman) will bring you a glass of cold green tea. They may even bring you a cold towel to wipe the sweat off.

Sounds nice right? It is, especially the cool towel. However, I can't stand green tea. It just doesn't go with my palate. The thing is I don't know what to say or do. I've lived in this country for a few years now and I still don't know the etiquette. They have taken the time to prepare this stuff for you and you turn your nose up at it is probably not the best thing. However I don't like green tea. I don't want to drink it.

Contrast this to what may happen in New Zealand.

"Would you like a hot or cold drink?"
"A hot drink please."
"Tea or coffee."
"Coffee please."
"Would you like milk?"
"Just a dash."
"Would you like sugar?"
"Two sugars please."

I was explaining this to a co-worker a few years ago and what he said was, "Shit! That sounds like hard work."

Lets have a look at the conversation. There are one, two, three, four decisions that we have to make in a short space of time. This is just not part of the culture to make these decisions. You always have to consult with your group and lets say that you are at the meeting with your boss, then you might have to consult with him or her and you can see that just plonking the green tea in front of you makes everything easier.

Japan seems to taking great pleasure in this whole omotenashi thing. I think that the jury is still out on it as everyone is different and you can't paint people with the same brush. What one person may find hospitable another person may turn their nose up at it.

It will be interesting to see in the future as more and more tourists come to this country what changes if any will occur. Watch this space.

Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Contribution

The final need in our Tony Robbins' human needs series is the need for contribution.

We need to have the feeling that we are giving, donating, leaving our mark, contributing to others and basically leaving the world in a better place than we found it.

The All Blacks are the New Zealand national rugby team. The whole aura of the team is the black jersey and that is the whole reason New Zealand people play rugby to represent the country and wear that black jersey. Richie McCaw the legendary captain said the thinking of the team is that they don't own the jersey they are just borrowing it and they want to leave the jersey in a better place than they found it.

Another important factor in the need for contribution is giving to charity. I got this terribly wrong a few years ago. I read in a book that you should give to charity so I just found the first charity I could find and started giving. I think that you have to have some kind of interest in the charity then it becomes a bit more real. I just threw a dart at a board and decided that would be the charity and it turned out to be a not a good thing at all.

We can also volunteer our time. There are many organisations out there that are looking for people to come along and help out but then again do it because you want to and you feel a sense of passion towards that cause not because you have to.

When I first came to Japan, some of the schools in the area in which I was living would have a activity called ボランティア活動 or volunteering. Unfortunately I could never see the point of it because there seemed to be no volunteering at all because the school said do it and the students did it. I believe if they volunteered themselves then they would have got a lot more out of it.

What other ways can you contribute?

Well, you can mentor someone in need. There are always people around who need your help and your experience, helping them get to where they want to get to is a great way to show your abilities to the world.

Another way to contribute is to make contact with someone you haven't seen or even interacted with for many weeks or months. I must admit there are a few people I can think of straight off the bat. I'm sure you have a list of people too that you can think of. Don't delay, start talking to them I'm sure that they will be ever so happy to hear from you.

Believe it or not there is a negative side to the contribution need.

People might fulfil their contribution need by kicking others down. An example of this might be someone deliberately hurting an ex because they broke up with them.

Another example would be an employee getting another employee fired because they didn't like them. I'm sorry that is nasty and if that happened to me I would wish that the other person burns in the fires of hell for all eternity.

They say that the need for contribution is the most important of all the needs so how are you going to make your contribution? That is a good question to ponder.

Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Growth

In life we are either growing or dying. We all need something to strive for, to try to attain. We need to feel that we are growing emotionally, spiritually and intellectually.

If the first four needs are physical or personal needs, the last two are spiritual needs.

We, as human beings are by nature wanting to learn. When we stop learning, we stagnate and guess what, we die. (That sounds pretty morbid right?)


How do people get that need satisfied?

Some people get it by working out. I go to a Crossfit gym. This week I will go five times and although it is hard work and I sweat bucket loads it is fun and I feel a sense of achievement and I can see my body grow into a different shape. It is very satisfying.

Other people get their growth need satisfied by reading books. My friend and I have this system where we read for one hour or so a day and then summarise what we have read and send it to the other person for them to comment on and send it back. I must admit since starting this blog I haven't kept up to date as much as I should but it is very useful habit and at the very least you have something to talk about at the next party.

People may get the need of growth by helping people.

Of course on the other side of the spectrum people will use the need for growth for negative things.

People may use manipulation to get people to do something and when they are discovered, when they are seen right through, you have a problem.

Terrorists may use the knowledge that they have learned for evil purposes.

We all need something to strive for. We all need something that will challenge us to get to the next level. I challenged myself five months ago and this blog is the result. Now I have to challenge myself again to take this blog to the next level.

Watch this space!

Tony Robbins' Human Needs: Love/Connection

Love is the be all and end all of life. It is what we all need and want the very most.

When we are in love, life is great. We feel alive, we feel as like we could fly with the birds in the sky. However, when we lose love, it is like someone has come and kicked you in the guts. You lose your appetite and things turn to custard.

So how do you meet your need for love?

1. An extrovert might go out and go to a bar or a club and try to meet his or her need by trying to get some kind of a connection.

2. An introvert might stay at home with his or her significant other and connect with them.

3. Some of us use social media like Facebook to stay connected. How many times have you opened your phone in one day to check you Facebook feed?

4. Have you ever been to a Meetup Group event? This is where we can connect with people who have similar interests.

There are negative ways to get the need of love or connection.

1. You may keep your job just because you have a good connection with the other employees even though you can't stand the job as such. You don't want to lose that connection.

2. You can be needy in a relationship that it drains the love of the other person. (Unfortunately I understand this feeling all too well) In the end the relationship is over and that is when you get that kick in the guts that I mentioned before.

It is thought that the need for significance can overweigh the need for love which means that there are many very successful people out there who are down and out in the love department. They are so focused on their careers that they struggle to commit to a relationship.