I'm SORRY!!!

I'm sorry! When we do something that we think might inconvenience someone else we apologise. We say sorry. That's just normal manners, right?

I have spent my life in two countries with a real developed culture of apologising. In Japan, apologising is used to keep harmony. To preserve the 'wa' so that people can live in peace.

I haven't really worked out apologising in New Zealand. I remember listening to the radio in the morning and this one particular morning, listeners were calling in to win some prizes. I think they had to answer some questions. One particular caller would always say sorry when she got the answer wrong and I vividly remember the announcers telling her not to say sorry.

Yesterday I had a situation where I said sorry but when I shouldn't have said it and I kind of regret it as the other person was entirely at fault but I was the one that said sorry and he didn't even say anything.

Let me take you through the scenario. I am moving out of my apartment. I gave them the one month notice and was told that they were sorry to see me go as I haven't really had any problems with the place and I have paid the rent on time every month and everything is fine. Anyway, in the rental contract it says that they reserve the right to show the apartment while I'm still there, which is fine but they could give me say 24 hours notice as opposed to the 90 minutes they gave me yesterday. I wasn't available to take the call and only could call them 30 minutes before the viewing was supposed to take place.

My apartment yesterday was very, very messy. I had my underwear on the floor. Rubbish everywhere. it was the proverbial pigsty. I hang up the phone under the impression that they weren't going to show the apartment. Another reason why I didn't want them to show it was in the morning I couldn't find the door key and had left the door unlocked. I knew the key was inside somewhere and I would find it when I got home.

Anyway, I get home at the early time of 7pm. Usually I get home closer to 10pm and guess what. The door was locked. Why? Well I'm sure that you have already worked out that they showed the place anyway and the landlord had locked the door behind him. Fortunately I still had a little battery left on my phone as I had also left my charger in the apartment too. I called the landlord and to his credit he was over to open the door quite quickly.

I said sorry to him about the room being messy. Why did I say sorry? I'm still paying for it. I still have the right to have my stuff there, why am I apologising? If they had given me some notice I would have happily cleaned up because I don't like living in a pigsty.

Apologise when you know that you have done something wrong, but don't apologise at the the drop of a hat. You may appear to be weak in the mind of the people you are talking too and they might even take advantage of you which is never desirable, believe me.

Life and soul of the party.

How can you become the life of the party? If you want to become a situational extrovert, you need to think about the the following points.

1. You have to treat everyone with the utmost respect. If you are talking to a client who represents half of your income you are going to be on your best behaviour, aren't you? What about when you are talking to the server at your local restaurant? You should treat them with the utmost respect too. Don't look down on them because they are a server. Also don't put the client on a pedestal. Talk to everyone the same and you will be well on the way.


2. Forget about the small talk. I went with a Japanese colleague of mine last year to a meeting and we were joking as we were going about the small talk we were going to have to go through and sure enough we sat down and we were straight into the topic of how hot is was on that particular day. I have learnt with small talk it is better to talk about something that is relevant to the person you are talking to, so for example, if they are wearing an unusual watch ask them about it. I asked a guy this morning about a bracelet that he was wearing and I couldn't shut him up about it.

I know in New Zealand the people at the grocery stores are trained to asked about your day which is so boring. My favourite experience at a grocery store was when the store clerk asked me about the magazine that I was buying. There was a photo of a woman in a bikini on the cover and she thought it was dirty magazine and she asked me about it and I told her that it was a sports magazine and that she can check it if she wants, which she did. The disappointment on her face that the first thing she found was an article on golf was easy to see. Anyway, the reason I remember that was what she asked was relevant to me not some generic question that no one is interested in answering or asking for that matter.


3. The next one is something that I really need to work on and that is focusing on the other person. Actually really listening to what they are saying and not preparing what you are going to say next which is what I do. Sometimes I might be looking at my smart phone which is really rude and it is not going to win you any friends. Ask good questions and really listen. You might actually learn something if you do that.


4. People who are the life of the party don't try to brag or skite. (that is New Zealand and Australian slang which means to boast) I suppose that comes down to name dropping too which I am guilty of on occasions. Who cares you don't have to tell them, you just show them what you can do. People will respect you for that.


5. Share your opinions but don't ram it down the other person's throat. The respected people is not shy to share their opinion but they don't say that it is a fact they make it clear that they are their own opinions and they are respectful of other people's opinions as well.

Sand line drawn

I just want to get off the topic of the situational extrovert today and talk about health.

I've noticed over the last few days that although I haven't put on any weight as such I'm feeling really fat. I'm not sure if you can feel fat but I think most of you out there will probably know what I mean.

I feel a little depressed about it. I'm lacking in energy and I'm always tired. It all comes down to what you eat. I haven't been eating well recently and I can feel it. I can feel it big time.

From tomorrow I will be drinking water. I will be only putting into my body things that nourish me as opposed to make me feel good at the time and I will be exercising.

I will post an update in a week. I hope I feel better then than I do now.

To grin and beer it?

I was about to sit down and write this post today and I procrastinated. I went onto a news website and found this article about a teacher explaining, using apples, the concept of bullying and how you might not be able to tell from the outside that the person is hurt but on the inside they are very, very hurt.

This article is perfect for what I want to talk about today. However, first let me give you some background. A few days ago I was meant to meet with a guy but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling very well so we rescheduled for today. Anyway I found out today that the reason he couldn't meet the other day was and these are his words, "I was forced to drink by my boss."

I got angry. Not with him but with the boss who is in his mid to late 40's. The guy I met is mid 20's. He told me that he went out with his boss and a client. OK, fair enough. It seems that in Japan if you want to climb the corporate ladder, you need to do these kinds of things. Go out with your boss to show that you are part of the team and that you are committed to the organisation. What really got my goat however is that they started playing drinking games and this is where the word force comes into it and unfortunately it has nothing to do with Star Wars. The guy I met today was saying that he wasn't enjoying it and he likes to have a drink but not this kind of drinking. As far as I am concerned this is nothing but bullying plain and simple. In Japan it is a very hierarchical society and the whole idea of obey your elders is a big part of Confucianism which is prevalent in Japanese culture. This guy's bosses crossed the line here however and I told him that today. He did complain about to me but I could always tell that he knew that it is something that he had to do because he wants to climb that ladder. It is just one one of those things you have to suffer and bear.

Why does it have to do with drinking though? Are you telling me that if you don't drink alcohol that you won't be able to climb that corporate ladder and you are going to hit that glass ceiling? This is where if you are going to climb that ladder that a certain amount of extrovertism is going to be needed. Just because you get energy from being alone it doesn't mean that you can't become the CEO or one of those titles with C at the start and O at the end. It just means that you need to show your extroverted on some occasions. You need to become the Situational Extrovert just don't allow people to force alcohol down your throat. You have standards and you can't display those standards when  you are laying face down in the gutter with vomit around you.

Show your extroverted side but do it in a classy way. You don't have to chugalug or make someone chugalug. That's not you and it is not going to get you anywhere in the long run.

Postscript: This post was not meant to be an attack on Japanese culture. It was an attack on this guy's boss who bullied him and in any situation, that is not on. It's not on at all.

There is no I in team

Yesterday morning I went to my Crossfit gym for the first time in about a week. I have been having problems with my calf muscle so I decided to take it easy for a week or so, so that I could get my calf healed and it seems to have done the trick. There is a lot to be said about rest.

Yesterday we did what is called a team chipper. A chipper in Crossfit is when you perform a few movements but at a high volume. You wouldn't go at high pace because you would run out of petrol very early but you literally 'chip' away at the workout and it would take about 20 minutes or so. Yesterday we did the workout in a team of three. We had to do 100 hang cleans, 100 shoulder to overhead and a 2000 metre row. (Hang cleans and shoulder to overhead is basically the clean and jerk deconstructed.)

 We could break up the reps in any way we liked. I find these team workouts actually quite enjoyable because I like the strategy involved because even though you are literally doing a workout, Crossfit is a sport and you are competing against other athletes. In the end we beat the other men's team by 2 seconds which was awesome especially when I was last on the rower. Obviously you don't go yahooing about beating the other team but I must admit I was satisfied about our team's performance.

It's interesting that I chose team sports to play growing up. When I think about it that was the influence of my family and especially my father. If I had really played a sport that was congruent with my personality I would have played tennis or golf or some kind of individual sport.

It's interesting when I think about the sports I played as a child and a young adult, I didn't really have anything in common with the people in my teams. The only thing was the sport we played. Tonight I'm meeting a guy that I used to play cricket with high school. He comes to Tokyo every year and we catch up. It's interesting that a few years ago he said that we didn't really have anything in common at school and that is 100% true. We didn't. It seemed though that most of the other guys seemed to get on well and had things in common. That was confusing to me at the time but it has become clearer over the last few years.

I think when you choose a sport you need to take your personality into account. Are you going to fit comfortably into a team? Would you prefer to do some kind of individual sport? Do you want a combination of both? (I must admit that in Crossfit I enjoy the team elements to it but I also equally enjoy the individual workouts where you are just competing against yourself. Very ambiverty, right?)

At the end of the day, we do sports for enjoyment and if you don't enjoy what you are doing, what is the point of doing it? If you don't get on well with your team mates but you enjoy the sport you might have to change teams. If you feel uncomfortable in the team environment then you might need to find an individual sport. If you need that social stimulation and you are in an individual sport then you might need to play a team sports. That's a call that you decide at the time.

Postscript: Just in case you don't know what a clean and jerk is in weightlifting, have a look at the video below from the 1974 Christchurch Commonwealth Games. This is the super heavyweight gold medalist in weightlifting. The second lift is an iconic moment in New Zealand sporting history. It's moments like these .....

http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/video/40884/graham-may-1974-commonwealth-games

No fixed abode

I read a profile today about business consultant Ram Charan. What I read I had to take with a grain a salt. Well, not really a grain of salt, more like the whole salt shaker. Anyway, it said that he doesn't have a house, basically he lives in airports and hotels. That could be possible I suppose but it also says that he travels 250,000 miles a week. That's where you have to be careful about what you read. So basically he travels 10 times around the world every week and if there is 168 hours in a week and he travels 250,000 miles then he is travelling 1500 miles every hour which you have probably worked out already is impossible. I think that that was a typo and it was 250,000 miles a year.

After reading this short little profile, it reminded me of this movie:

Have you seen this one? It is a George Clooney movie from 2009 called 'Up in the air.' George Clooney plays a guy who works for a HR consultancy in Omaha, Nebraska. He basically travels all over the United States of America firing people for a living.

In the movie George Clooney's character "lives" in Omaha but he says that he spent only 43 days there in the previous year. So he was on the road for 323 days (I think it was a leap year) living in hotels, travelling first class and enjoying the hospitality of the airport lounges.

What do you think? Could you live this kind of lifestyle? Travelling from city to city, not being in the same city two days in a row. Not really developing relationships and being by yourself everyday and every night.

This sounds like introvert heaven, doesn't it? Well, yes and no. If you are someone who doesn't want to develop meaningful relationships then that kind of lifestyle is definitely for you, however I believe that most people do, so maybe this kind of life is better for an extrovert who can probably strike up conversations with people around them and find things to do.

How you deal with lonesomeness is the key to this kind of lifestyle and an introverted person could easily lock themselves away and not talk to anyone outside their work related activities and that could be a disastrous thing for him or her.

I must admit though that this kind of lifestyle does have some appeal to me and I wonder how long I would last before I go crazy. I do enjoy some of my routine like going to the gym and visiting the same places for socialising. Hmmm, something to think about it.

If you have a chance, have a look at this movie and see how it applies to you and your circumstances.

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello!

I found this very interesting article about life as an extrovert. Actually my friend had sent me this article but I found the extrovert one much more interesting as I do believe that it is as simple as saying hello. Although in saying that it is quite scary saying hello to someone that you don't know. What was it that your mother always told you not to do? Don't eat with your mouth open? Don't eat with your elbows on the table? Don't talk to strangers? That's it, don't talk to strangers. Sounds like introverted heaven doesn't it? But remember that introverts are not necessarily scared of strangers, they just like to recharge their batteries alone.

However, in saying that we are living in an extroverted world so we need to learn to be more social and that starts by the simple greeting.

In Japan, there is a lot of emphasis on the greeting but it is more of a general thing to everyone in the room and the "good mornings" that I have witnessed can be less than enthusiastic like there is nothing good about the morning at all and the person who is saying it is back in the salt mines and he or she definitely does not want to be there. Come to think of it, that isn't just related only to Japan, of course that scenario plays across most countries in the world every morning. I do believe though that a well meaning greeting is good for everyone. I believe that it boosts the confidence of the person who says it and unless the receiver is a complete asshole, it should make him or her feel better.

So, the first challenge is to say hello to five people today. You don't even have to carry on the conversation or even spend the next two or three days and nights with them, just say hello. Do you think you can do that?

I know that this challenge scares the bejesus out of you but it has to be done. I know that I have to be in the mood and five people can take five minutes or five years so it is a challenge for me too. As the author says in this article it doesn't have to be just saying hello, it can be asking for directions or as my friend used to do in nightclubs, "what time does this place close?" The women he asked that to seemed to be open to his conversation after that question as it was not threatening and not a pick up line at all.

Good luck, tell me how it goes.

Say hello.

Love me Tinder

About 10 years ago I broke up with my then girlfriend. I had been with her for about five years. It was a couple of months after, that I discovered online dating. I put my profile on a particular website and over the course of a few years met a great number of women. Women who I wouldn't have had the chance to meet during the course of my everyday life because I was shy or we just travelled in different circles. It was a great experience and it something that I would recommend to anyone who is single or like me,  was not the best around women and even other men to be quite honest.

Recently in the last few years, there has been several apps available highlighted by Tinder and other notable ones like Hinge, Buzz and Happn. I have Tinder and Happn on my phone at the moment. They have been a lot of fun to use but I believe that now to fit into this extroverted world that we live in it is time to delete these. They are useful and I may come back to them in the future but I think it is time to do some real world networking if you know what I mean.

Well, that was easier than expected. I deleted both. Well done to me.

 It is time to concentrate on growing my business and helping you guys out there reach your potential as well as my potential and also to be a more social offline. I think that I have conquered the online world, now it is time to conquer the offline world.

Care to join me?

Get away from your phone and smell the roses so to speak. I'll update you on my progress from time to time. Good luck to you too.

A letter to an extrovert

Dear Extroverted people of this world,

I know that you like to party. I know that you get energy from being around other people and drinking red bull and socialising. That is great. Let it be like that, however, not all people are like that. Not all people like to socialise and just because they don't want to spend time with you it doesn't make them anti-social. They are not anti-social one iota. Being by themselves and doing nothing is doing something to them. It might sound like the worst possible thing for you to do but for them they are reenergising so don't make them feel bad that they don't want to talk to you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Next time these "anti-social" people turn you down. Don't worry about that. They will come and see you in their own good time and the mean time go out and do what you are good at and meet new people and have a blast. Create new memories and be the friend to these quieter people. Dragging them out to a bar in the middle of town is not being friend.

Remember, not all people are like you and not all people energise like you. The quicker you realise that the better we will all be.

Introgram

I'm not a big user of Instagram but I sometimes post a photo or two. I do look at other people's posts as there are interesting things you can find on this app.

The other day I decided to search for introvert and as you might expect there was quite a few things come up and the ones that interested me were the various memes that you can read. Lets have a look at some that took my fancy.


Here is the first one:

Myth 3

Introverts are rude:
Introverts want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Yes, I agree with this. I must admit that I have had a few occasions where I have wanted the person to be honest with me and I can tell that they aren't been honest. They fear that I might take it badly or they just think that it isn't appropriate to come out and say the truth. From my point of view, if they had come out and said the truth I would have felt better and life can carry on as usual but I'm left speculating which isn't a good place to be in.


Here is the second one:

Being an introvert, I've had more thoughts about how I would have a conversation than actually having a conversation.

All I can say is that yes that is correct. I have had many conversations in my mind. I can't stop. You might think that that sounds weird, I think that it is perfectly normal. Usually these conversations don't eventuate. What a waste of time, right?


Here is the third one:

Sitting by yourself, person decides you must be lonely and comes over. Damn!

I like this one because talking about this with my friend yesterday. He was having a quiet beer in a bar by himself and enjoying the peace and quiet when an extrovert comes over and wants to hang out. My friend politely turned him away. Apparently the extrovert did not look happy. Extroverted people can't understand why you would want to be by yourself. They want to be around people and anyone will do. That is a real clash which if there is misunderstanding between the two parties can become awkward.

There you go, three interesting memes from Instagram. Have a look at this app. There is some really interesting stuff.

Beyond the Oche

A couple of years ago I was back in New Zealand for Christmas and I got hooked on darts. The Darts World Championships are played over the Christmas New Year period in London and they are very popular with live television coverage around the world and full houses at every session.

I have watched a few games on Youtube and have got to know the better players and I even went to a live event in  Yokohama last year which was very enjoyable. The organisers have turned it into a spectacle with WWE type walk-ons and each of the players having nicknames like The Power and Jackpot and The Machine. The crowds really get into it and it is a good night out.

In this video you can get a taste of the world championship crowd at the Alexandra Palace in North London. They really get into it and have a great time. Some of them dress up and really get involved. Sounds like extrovert heaven doesn't it? You would think that the players would have to be extroverted as well. That's not the case however.

I was reading this article over the weekend about the current world champion Scot,  Gary Anderson. It said that he is quite quiet. He keeps to himself and likes to stay in the background. This begs the question, how does he go out in front of thousands and thousands of people each night and do his thing?

It is all about being that situational extrovert in which he becomes that person for that time. Also he knows that he is better than anyone in the crowd and they have come to see him play and that would give anyone confidence. He knows that he has practiced for years and years and he can do his thing in front of the crowd and the millions of people watching on television across the world. However when that is all said and done he won't go out and party the night away, he might go and spend some time with himself or with his wife and family and simply recharge as I can imagine the darts' atmosphere is very tiring for the introverted person.

If you enjoy sports and you are in a city where they have tournaments I suggest to go along and have a look. It is a lot of fun and some of the play is amazing. I'm going in a couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to seeing a 9-darter which is the darts equivalent of a hole in one in golf or a 147 break in snooker.

Why?

My father is coming to Japan in a couple of weeks time. I'm looking forward to seeing him and showing him around, watching rugby and going to a couple of places where I have never been to before. It should be a fun and enjoyable time.

We have also organized to meet a few people from my hometown in New Zealand. So far so good, right? It is and I am looking forward to catching up with these people too.

Despite all of this, there is a weird thing that I can't figure it out why and I'm going to try to come up with some explanations.

First of all I better explain. My father's best mate's son also lives here in Tokyo. The son was also one of my brother's groomsman at his wedding. Anyway, my father has given me his contact details so that we can meet up while my father is in town. OK, fair enough. However, now, a couple of weeks before my father arrives my father's friend and his wife are in Tokyo too. I asked my parents if they had asked for my details. What do you think the answer was. No!

Secondly, my father was saying that we should meet another guy who lives in Tokyo. His parents live on the same street as my parents in New Zealand. So,they go to see their son in Tokyo a few times a year. Have they ever asked my parents for my details? What do you think the answer is? No!

So, my question is why does my father want to meet these people while their parents don't seem to want to meet me? Is this an extrovert, introvert thing? Is my father going to get bored of spending all this time with me and wants to see other people? (That sounds like a boy/girl relationship)

I don't know why.

I think some people feel obliged to visit people when they are in their neck of the woods. They don't want the other people to find out that they were there and didn't contact them. You will get the, "Oh, you should have ..." line. I'm always sceptical of that line. I remember being asked what I did for New Years Eve one year. I replied nothing. I got the "Oh, you should have ... " line. I knew that this was not a genuine invitation because the time had passed and it is very easy for the person to invite you somewhere when it has finished. (Just so you know, the person who said that is an extrovert.)

Another reason my father likes to do this kind of thing is that he is genuinely interested in finding out about these people and he would like to catch up with them. I must admit that I can take it or leave it but he seems to enjoy it so good on him.

In saying that though when I go to another city I tend to take after my father in that I will contact people that I know that live in that city. Why? Because you may get a chance to catch up with them and they will take you to places that you might not go to in the normal course of the day.

Why is my father keen to see these other guys while their respective parents don't seem to be interested in seeing me? I think the answer to that is simple. That's my father and that's how he operates. It's as simple as that. That's how he thinks. He thinks who do I know in that area? I know that I think like that too. People think differently. They have different priorities and you can't classify them all in the same group. Some people want to hang out, others don't. My father wants to hang out.

Take a chance

Opportunities are everywhere and they usually come when you are least expecting them. They may come in the most unusual of situations.

If you see an opportunity go for it. If you think too much about it then the opportunity may be gone. You start analysing and when you start to overanalyse you talk yourself out of it. You think about all of the bad things that could happen and you think about that egg all over your face.

This weekend, if you see an opportunity go for it because what is the worst thing that could happen?

Get up and at 'em

I have lived most of my adult life, well the last 10 years at least thinking that my life would be 100 times better if I had a woman beside me. However the best thing is to be happy with yourself. If you are happy being by yourself, if you are happy who you have become and who you are becoming then it shouldn't matter and the more that you feel confident in your own skin then the more good things that should come into your life and then you will attract your perfect partner.

I had a woman tell me this morning by text that she didn't believe that we had much in common so it was a bit of a waste of time us meeting up. I agreed with her in the fact that we don't have much in common but that is what was quite attractive about it for me. You learn a lot and you get to hear opinions that you might not hear in your daily life. She obviously saw it differently and that is her prerogative.

I could have gone into my shell this morning and not done anything and stewed over this for the day and then most of the weekend which wouldn't have got me anywhere. It would have left me in a pile of sweat on my bed. I got up and went about my business and as I write this I feel a lot better than I usually would.

When you get rejected it is very easy to roll up into a ball and run away from life as I have done many, many times. You also have the option of getting out of bed, going into the shower, have a good breakfast and  getting the stuff done that you need to get done for that day. You will feel good about yourself and you will not let it defeat you. Something that I have let happen on many occasions. 

Don't let rejection beat you. It is a part of life. Stand up and and get on with your life. I know all of this advice is easier said than done, I'm just saying that it worked for me this morning.

Why was he born so beautiful

It's my brother's birthday today. Happy Birthday Mark. I understand that tomorrow night he is having a birthday party to celebrate. I was invited a few days ago but due to distance concerns I won't be able to join in the festivities. I'm sure that it will be a good night.

How do you celebrate your birthday? Do you gather together 600 of your "closest" friends and "get wasted?" Do you not do anything? Do you go out with a couple of mates and have a few beverages? Do you go out with your significant other and have a nice intimate dinner?

Whatever way you celebrate your birthday remember that it is your way. Just because it seems like everyone is having a party with 1000 people there, doesn't mean that you have to follow suit. I'm sure some people celebrate their birthdays by jumping out of a plane. Some people celebrate their birthdays by jumping of a bridge with a big rubber band wrapped around their legs. Others celebrate their birthdays by climbing a mountain.

My point is, it is your birthday, nobody else's. You don't have to conform to what society expects of you. My birthday a couple of years ago I left my place at about 7am and didn't get home to just after 11pm. I was on the go all day and it didn't seem like my birthday at all. I remember complaining to my friend about it. I must admit that he wasn't very sympathetic and he gave me some good advice. "You missed your birthday. Boo Hoo. You will have one again next year." This is so true. You will have one next year.

It's your birthday, it's your life. Design it as you wish not what other people think that you should.

Be the leader

Do you organise parties? Do you get people over to your place for a bit of a soiree? If you are reading this and you are an introvert or an ambivert, there is a high chance that the answer to this question is "No."

What I am suggesting today though is rather than organising a party which I know can be quite stressful and can be a pain in the butt, organise to meet a couple of friends and you become the leader. You know where you are going and then you are in control. You are not being dragged to some place in which you are uncomfortable by your more extroverted friends. You are the leader and you know what is going on and you know that you are going to have a great night because you designed it.

So quit being the follower. Start becoming the leader and build the lifestyle that you want and probably deserve.

Uchibenkei

I'm sure that a lot of you, if you have done your German homework will know this word, Schadenfreude. There is no one word equivalent in the English language so Schadenfreude would be translated as 'taking pleasure as seeing someone's misfortune.'

A simple Google search will show you that there a lot of these kinds of words in other languages which don't have an equivalent in English. For example I saw the Portuguese word 'Saudade' which means the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost.'

Another good word that I found interesting was 'Oodal.' This is a Tamil word which means the fake sulking you do after getting into a lover's tiff, usually over something inconsequential. Had you heard of that one before? I hadn't. Tamil sounds like a very interesting language.

Lets talk today though about a Japanese word, 'uchibenkei.' (内弁慶) Uchibenkei means someone who is really energetic and basically the king of the castle at home however is very timid outside of home.

Does that sound familiar? How many of you introverted/ambiverted people out there can relate to this? I know when I think about this I can think of many times in which I was very confident at home but wouldn't say much outside to people I didn't know very well or were complete strangers. I know now that when I am comfortable with someone that I can change very quickly and really come out of my shell and it is uchibenkei all of the way.

The challenge is for all of us is to take that enthusiasm and confidence from house into the outside world. Can you do it?

On a side note apparently there is a word in Japanese that is come into the vernacular in the last few years, 'nettobenkei.' (ネット弁慶) I'm sure you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what that one means. Someone who is really brave and strong online but is timid offline. Yep, from what I can tell, there seems to be many of them around the world.

A long time ago in a city far far away

Once upon a time in a small provincial city in an island nation at the bottom of the earth far away from the bright lights of New York, Paris, London and Shanghai a young boy was growing up. He was doing what most children were doing in this small provincial city, he would play cricket in the summer, he would play soccer in the winter and he would hang out with his friends playing different games on his friend's Commodore 64.

The boy was lucky as both sides of his family lived in the city and were fairly close. He had a close relationship with his grandparents and would visit them frequently. He had a few close friends who he would hang out with mostly and had a loving family with a younger brother who shared his interests.

As the boy got older he grew more and more interested in life outside of his island and would stare at his world map on his bedroom wall and wonder about the big bad outside world. He had never been off his island in his first 16 years while his friends seemed to have travelled the world. He finally got his chance close to his 17 birthday. He travelled to the much bigger island about three hours away by plane from his island and he had a wonderful time. He also travelled to a very small island also about three hours away and at the time wondered what it would be like to live in a place like that.

A couple of years later, he had a chance to go to one of the world's biggest cities where he stayed for 9 months. The young boy who was now a young man was so nervous. He had never been to a country like this with so many people in it. His friend came to see him off at the airport and was shocked at how unresponsive the young man was. He was so nervous that he could barely talk to his friend who he had known for over 7 years. It was like he had withdrawn and was already preparing himself for the next episode of his trip.

The young man arrived in the huge city. He had never seen so many people in the one place at the same time. He was shocked. How could he last nine months in this place he would think to himself. He was kept pretty busy for most of the nine months but at times he needed to disappear to the sanctuary of his room when the numbers of people around him got too much. Sometimes, especially on Sundays he would stay in his room not because he necessarily wanted to but because something inside of him knew that he had to or he would go crazy. However as the nine months past and the young man got comfortable with the city and the people around him things started to grow on him and he started to go out more and generally be more social. It developed so much that by the time the end of the nine months rolled around he didn't want to go back to his island.

The young man went back to his island and at that stage he was back at square one. He had to reacquaint himself with the people around him and all of this with his new perspective on life. He found it difficult. The people around him thought that he was a bit weird. He wasn't himself they would say.

The young man went to university and he didn't have what would be called a "normal" university experience. He stayed at home with his parents and didn't really fit into the university experience that it seemed a lot of people were having. Flatting, drinking every night, raucous parties. Well that is what the young man thought that the university experience should be anyway. The young man thought about this. Half of him thought that he wanted this kind of lifestyle while the other half of him was scared of what kind of problems that kind of lifestyle would bring him. He was torn. He tried to do a couple of things that he thought that he might enjoy and would bring him that university experience but they turned into disasters and he felt completely out of his comfort zone.

As the young man's university experience drew to a close he decided to go back to the big city he had spent nine months in before. Part of the reason was he wasn't sure what he wanted to do and another reason was he always wanted to go back to the big city he had spent time in before.

As time passed the city grew on him and liked the fact that there was a lot of things to do and he was meeting more and more people and having the university experience he had on his home island. Things were comfortable and he enjoyed his time and he was able to travel a bit and see the world.

The young man enjoyed his lifestyle but he wanted something more. He wanted a challenge so he tried something that turned out to be not him at all. He didn't understand his personality and it turned out to be a bit of a disaster something that he is still recovering from but from this disaster the young man was able to learn about himself and about the people around him. He was able to understand why people act like they do and with this knowledge he could start to instruct people about why people do what they do and how they can fit into a world in which they might struggle to fit into.

You have probably guessed already that that story was about me. I grew up quite introverted and to a certain extent I still am, however I do know that we live in an extroverted world whether we like it or not, so join me on a journey as we navigate this world to fit in with everyone but lets learn not to lose our identity and be ourselves, a better version of ourselves.

"Think man, think!"

I've been sitting here for about three hours and I still have no idea what I am going to write about today. Have you ever had these kinds of days? In which you wake up thinking that you are going to have a great day and you are going to get stuff done but as the day goes by you sit there thinking what am I going to do. The more you think about it the more confused you get and then before you know it you have "wasted" three hours and you haven't done anything.

But, have I wasted three hours today? Have I wasted that time having not done anything? No, is my answer. I could have easily stood up and thought I would go and do something else and I would come back to it which is what most people would do and I know that I would have done it many times. However by just sitting here it has given me time to think. It has given me time to really think about things and what I want and how I want to see this blog progress. So there might not be anything concrete on paper shown for these three hours but it is allowed me to think and I'm sure in the coming days and months those thoughts will metamorphose into something.

Most of the self-help gurus out there say that everything out there started with someone's thoughts. So hopefully my thoughts today will manifest itself into something great.

My friend and I talk about something called 'Thinking Time.' 'Thinking Time' is when you sit down and just think for a period of time. For most people that sounds like hell and I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, it is. Imagine just sitting there thinking. It can be difficult and tedious but it is in these tough times that your best ideas come.

I suggest that you spend ten to fifteen minutes a day just thinking. Think about your future, your business, your work, your studies and I assure you that good things will come. It may be difficult from time to time and you may feel like you are in pain but keep going through that pain and that is where your good ideas will come.

Try 'Thinking Time' this week. It might change everything in your life. It might be the difference that you are looking for.

Rugby and events

Today is the All Blacks' first test match of the year. They are playing against Wales today in Auckland. For those of you who don't know who or what the All Blacks are, they are the New Zealand national rugby union team. They are historically, easily the best rugby team in the world and they are one of the top teams in international sport having won over three quarters of their games over more than 120 years.

So, what has this got to do with anything? Well, when I finish writing this I will be going down to the local sports bar to watch the game and if I can be bothered watch the England versus Australia game afterwards too.

I will wander on down to the pub by myself. I will find a spare table and set up shop there for the afternoon. I might see some people I know or like I often do, I may run into some New Zealanders who are here on business or are tourists who were looking for a place to watch the match.

I'm sure some of you are wandering what this has to do with anything and what has this got to do with the theme of this blog. Well, I don't care if I sit there by myself or if a few other people show up, I'm just there to enjoy the game. That's a typical ambivert, don't you think? Or maybe it is a case of being a rugby tragic. I don't know.

This series of three matches will run over the next three Saturdays. I have planned to watch the game today but next Saturday and the following Saturday I have been invited to functions. I'm torn between what I should do. Should I just say no and go and watch the rugby or should I get out of my comfort zone and go to these functions? One of the functions will be significantly easier than the other. To be quite honest I don't know why I have been invited to one of them and the other one, I would have been very disappointed if I wasn't invited. Half of me is saying that I should get out of my comfort zone and go along while the other half of me is saying just do what you want to do which is watch the rugby.

I have been preaching that you need to get out of your comfort zone and talk to different people etc and if I was to go to the pub then I wouldn't be practicing what I preach.

I think when you have a decision like this you need to think whether you are in leisure mode or in "work" mode. If I go to watch the rugby, will this help me relax and if I choose the other functions, how will me attending these things help me in the future? Will it help me if I go to the difficult function or is it going to be more trouble than it's worth? Ask yourself these kinds of questions before making these decisions. You will feel better.

Right, I do believe that it is beer o'clock and it is rugby time. Go the All Blacks.

What do you WANT?

Do you know that story that if you focus on red cars that you will see red cars everywhere? It's interesting, I'm seeing the words, introvert, extrovert and ambivert everywhere these days. Have they always been there or is it just because I am focusing on these things that I am seeing them?

They say that if you focus on something then that thing will manifest itself. I'm sure the fans of the book and movie The Secret will know what I am talking about. Since I have started writing this blog as I said I have seen these words everywhere. Obviously the best-seller by Susan Cain has a lot to do with the proliferation of these words.

The Secret suggests that what you focus on with passion you will attract. So yours and my challenge over the next few weeks is to think about exactly what you want. Make it very precise and make sure that you write it down and even practice visualising what it will be like when you get what you want. Try to feel the emotions that you will feel when you accomplish your goal or get the thing that you want. They say that the more you can imagine it the more likely that you are going to achieve it. Don't just limit yourself to one thing. Think about all of the areas in your life. I use the seven areas in Brian Tracy's book Focal Point as a guide for my life. Those seven areas (and please forgive me if I get a couple wrong as I am doing this from memory) are:

1. Business and Career
2. Financial Independence
3. Family and Relationships
4. Health and Fitness
5. Personal Development
6. Spiritual Development
7. Community Involvement.

You might want to set goals in all of these areas or you might do what I like to do and only set in a few of them. (Probably because I don't fully understand the Spiritual Development one)

Be clear on exactly what you want and go for it. Go like the clappers.

Sell to me

I was told a few years ago by an American gentleman that I could never be a salesman in America. It is only recently that I have understood what he meant by that. Isn't it interesting that you finally figure out what someone said many years before?

What I realised is the guy that told me that is a very confident, boisterous guy and I can imagine that is how he wants things sold to him or he would sell himself. It would be loud and proud. There would be a lot of hyperbole and you would leave thinking that the product is the best thing since sliced bread. So for him, my style of laid back, quiet selling would probably put him to sleep.

My question is, is selling an extroverted profession and the answer to that is an emphatic no. There are going to be people out there who are going to be instantly turned off my the used car salesman routine. Those introverts and ambiverts out there are going to run for the hills unless they get railroaded into it which can be a concern. People take in information in different ways. They like to be sold to in many different ways, so don't pigeon hole everyone into that used car hole.

The point of today is don't say to yourself that I can't do that because I'm introverted or whatever. You can do it. It will mean that you do it in a different way. There is nothing wrong with that and you will find your niche that will appreciate it.

Blogs, visions and giving up

Just over two months ago I made a pledge to myself that I would blog everyday for the next 500 days. I have got up to about day 68 and it is 10.39pm as I write this. I have just over on hour to get this post published. I got home about one hour ago and I have procrastinated about it for that one hour. Partly because I didn't want to write anything and partly because I just wanted to lie down and go to sleep. But I was reminded of the photo on the screen on my phone. I have put a photo of Winston Churchill on it with his immortal words "Never, never, never give up." I thought if I don't write this today I would be in a sense giving up. Sure, if you don't see any point in what you are doing you should give up but in this project I have seen a lot of good come out of it so to go to bed without writing this would have been a complete waste of the last couple of months.

It's interesting, doing this project has been at times a struggle but also at times it has been enjoyable putting thoughts to paper so to speak. Some good things have come from it both directly and indirectly, for example I received some wonderful news about half an hour ago which I think was attributed in a small part to this blog.

I think also through this blog I have created a vision in my mind about how I want to see this blog go and I'm looking forward to making that a reality in the coming months. I know that there will be nights like this in the future when I don't want to write anything and I want to go to bed but I need to fight through that and produce something because it is in those moments that you differentiate yourself from the rest.

If you have a vision, fight for that vision and never, never, never give up.

Hail to the cab

Taxi drivers. What is the reputation of taxi drivers in your city? In London they have to know every street like the back of their hand. They have to know the map and when you ask them to go here and there they should know where to go.

The taxi drivers in Tokyo are on average older. I read somewhere today that the average age is 58 years old. The article said that they struggle to get younger people to do the job.

I have heard other stories of taxi drivers who can't speak the language very well of where they are driving around. I'm sure that causes all sorts of problems.

The reason I'm talking about taxi drivers today is because the last two taxis I have taken the drivers have been completely different. The first one was one of the chattiest people I have ever met. He was asking questions and he was making observations and it was quite entertaining. The second guy, this morning grunted a couple of things that I couldn't understand and that was about it. Admittedly the first guy was driving me at noon and the second ride was before 6 in the morning but who is to say that the first guy hadn't been up all night too.

My image of taxi drivers are that they are chatty. If I'm riding a taxi by myself I like that they start talking too. In Tokyo 9 times out of 10 they are happy to talk to you. I think most of the time I will start the conversation and then they are off. Occasionally you will start a conversation and they are not interested in your conversation at all. My conversation starter is to always ask them how to read their name. Usually they are very happy to answer that.

My question today is, Is a taxi driver an extroverted job? I think yes but first and foremost you need to be a good driver. You need to know your way around and how to get from A to B in the most efficient way possible. It's like a hair stylist. I have been going to the same guy for 10 years and the reason I have is that the conversation is entertaining and it is relaxing. As an introvert you would think I like the quiet time but I'm the opposite. Ironic, right? My friend who is very extroverted prefers to sit in the barber's chair and have them say nothing. I have no idea why I'm like I am and why he is like he is. I guess we just like the experience and for me it is a chatty experience and for him it is a silent experience. Neither of us are wrong or right.

I suggest if you are trying to get yourself out there a bit more talk to these kinds of people. They are interesting characters as they meet different people everyday and they have some interesting stories to tell. The more people you talk to the more confident you become and the better impact you make on those around you.

Let the journey begin ...

We are told that we live in an extroverted world. Offices, schools, places that we congregate in are set up for the social person, the gregarious person, the one that likes to put themselves out there and be social.

As an introvert are you ready to join me on a mission to get out there and be a more social person? Someone who although keeping to his or her introverted roots does want to get out there and meet more people and have a bit of fun and maybe ever so maybe if you are a single like me find their soul mate.

Keep coming back everyday as we go through the process together of becoming that person who makes an impact on this world.

Float like a butterfly talk like a ???

This is a goat. Before most of you start thinking, "Blair, you've lost your marbles." I don't want to talk about this kind of goat today. I want to talk about the 'Greatest Of All Time.' Get it? The GOAT.

Muhammad Ali passed away yesterday at the age of 74. In the 1960's and 1970's, Ali was arguably the most famous face in the world. The heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Ali will certainly go down as one of the most famous sporting heroes ever. Just sitting here writing this, I can't think of anyone who is as famous as Muhammad Ali. Pele, maybe. Don Bradman? I don't think so. (Sorry, Aussies.) Jack Nicklaus? Tiger Woods? Roger Federer? Aleksandr Karelin? (Greco-Roman wrestling aficionados will know who I'm talking about.) No, Muhammad Ali was and for a large number of people still is The Greatest. The Rock Dwayne Johnson only follows one person on Twitter and that is Muhammad Ali. When Beau Ryan on the NRL Footy Show asked The Rock if he would follow him on Twitter, Johnson said when you are the greatest, I will follow you.

I'm not a pugilist and I must admit that I don't watch boxing that often so I can't really comment if Muhammad Ali was the best technical boxer that there ever was but he won 56 fights and only lost 5 which suggests that he did know what he was doing.

Muhammad Ali fought for civil rights and he famously refused to conscripted in the US military and was arrested for draft evasion. That is I believe a sports hero using their fame for a good cause.

What Muhammad Ali was the best at was that he had the gift of the gab. He knew how to talk. He knew how to work the press. He was a master at that. Over the last day I have been looking at some videos on Youtube of Ali and I sit in awe and what he says and how he says it and I'm wondering if he actually sat down and thought these things up or was it all ad-libbed? I don't know. Probably a bit of both but how do I know. I'm purely guessing.

I posted on Facebook yesterday an interview with Muhammad Ali that I remember seeing on New Zealand television a few years ago. He spoke brilliantly. I thought that the interviewers Sir Bob Jones and Peter Montgomery did a great job in getting Ali to open up and I would say it is a classic interview in New Zealand television history.

My question today is though, would I be writing this blog post today, would Facebook have gone crazy yesterday with tributes, would Dwayne Johnson's only follow on Twitter be Muhammad Ali if he was introverted? Would his boxing ability have been enough to make him the greatest and the answer to that is and I think you know already is No. As I said, he had the gift of the gab. He got himself out there with different quotes and and tag lines and he developed himself into the man he became. If he was quiet and went about boxing in a cool manner with little hype, I'm sure he would have won many fights and become one of the best boxers in the world and in history but his charisma and his presence was the difference. He was The Greatest.

Muhammad Ali had impact, not just with the fist. He made sure that you remembered him. He made an impact. I remember a few years ago a friend of mine making fun of me for not making an impact at all. In fact a woman at my gym recently has come up and introduced herself to me three separate  times. I was going to say something but it is my problem not her problem. I didn't make an impact. I probably said hi and left it at that. I wonder if I will get an introduction a fourth time, then I will really have something to worry about.

In 2016, you need to make that impact. I'm not saying you have to take up boxing but some times you have to come out of your shell. I must admit that when I write that it sends a shudder down my spine but I believe it has to be done. Use the memory of Muhammad Ali to spur you on to bigger and better things. To make that impact in the world. To make that difference that I know that both you and I can do. In other words, Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

The Situational Extrovert

This blog talks about the three types of people. The extrovert, the introvert and the ambivert. In all seriousness we show both introvert and extrovert tendencies. Even the most outgoing, party hopping, "I have thousands of friends" extrovert needs some time alone.

I don't want to talk about that person today but I do want to talk about the introvert who can go to the other side when conditions dictate it. There is a special term for that person, the situational extrovert.

What is a situational extrovert? Well, let me give you a couple of examples from my experience because I have played this role on a number of occasions.

I am fundamentally an introvert. I like spending time with either myself or one or two people who I trust and I enjoy hanging out with. I do go to parties but if I had the choice I would prefer the small group of trusted friends. Does all of this sound familiar? I'm sure some of you who are reading this know exactly what I am talking about.

I'm an introvert and I do enjoy talking in front of people. I have had the experience of standing in front of about 800 people and speaking in Japanese and having the audience in stitches. This sounds very extroverted, right? And you would be right but I am an extrovert in this situation. Hence this kind of person is called a situational extrovert. They can become extroverted and outgoing for the situation.

A few years ago I went to my friend's wedding and there was a lot of dancing involved. I know what you are thinking and the answer is no, I didn't have a lot to drink. I wasn't drunk. I was high on the fact that my mate was getting married and I was just happy to be there. I was dancing around and was the stereotypical situational extrovert. I had to speak as well. Speaking in front of 300 people is not easy either but the situational extrovert was able to come out to play.

I think that in 2016, if you are an introvert and you want to be successful or even semi-successful, you need to cultivate your situational extrovert so that when it is necessary, you can bring it out. Whether we like it or not, we do live in an extroverted society where those people who are the outgoing ones seem to get what they want and do what they want. I know some of you won't like that but I do believe it is true. The extroverted person certainly does have an advantage but you as an introvert can become extroverted too. It takes conscious practice but I'm sure that you can accomplish it.

Playing the role of a situational extrovert can help you out. Develop it, you might be surprised at the results.

Making the correct decisions

It's Friday night. It's 10.20pm as I write this and I'm sitting at my desk trying desperately to come up with something to write for my blog today. I don't know. I had an idea at about 3.30 this afternoon but I forgot what that idea was and I have been desperately sitting here trying to remember it. No luck.

It is difficult sitting here day after day trying to come up with ideas on what to write and sometimes you are going to have days like today where nothing comes to mind whereas other days you are going to have many ideas.

It is very much like an ambivert, isn't it? One day you are going to have a great deal of energy and you will want to get out of the house and meet friends and go drinking and get, as the British would say, sloshed. And the other days you won't have much energy and you will want to stay home and relax. Whatever you do decide to do, make sure that you do it. When you go out make sure that you make the most of it. Make it the best night of your life. When you stay in. Relax. Eat some good food and get some sleep. Recharge. Really make the most of it.

Make each day count and you will start seeing results. Today I haven't followed my advice and that is why I am writing that at 10.30 at night. In my eyes I wasted my morning. Sure, I may have needed the rest but I can do that on Sunday, today was an opportunity I will never get back.

Make the right decisions and the right results will come to you. Make the wrong decisions and you will be pushing those results away and it takes extra work to get them back.

Happy families

This is a blog about personality. Introverts, extroverts and the newly termed word, ambiverts. I also write a Japanese language blog about being a foreign ambivert in Tokyo. The word ambivert is not very well known in the Japanese language and whenever I show my blog to a Japanese person he or she have never seen the word for ambivert. Just in case you are interested and if you can read Japanese, you can see my Japanese language blog here.

I don't want to talk about my Japanese blog today, I would like to talk about my family. First of all, I'm not married so if you are expecting to hear stories about my wife and children, I'm sorry, you are going to be disappointed. By my family I mean my mother, father and brother. We are a lovely family of four, two introverts and two extroverts. What a good combination.

First of all, lets talk about the introverted side of the family. That would be my mother and of course me. My friend would tell you that it takes a lot of work to get me out. I would much rather stay at home and do nothing but when I do get out I do tend to enjoy it to a point. Staying out until sparrow's fart can be tiring especially when your supply of Red Bull runs out at midnight and your friend's seems to be limitless.

You wouldn't be surprised to also know that my mother is exactly the same way. I'm not sure she partakes in Red Bull but she must be a real pain in the backside for my father to get out of the house but like yours truly when she is out she loves it and has a great time and many occasion she has come home with a splitting, self induced headache that she needs most of the next day to get over. To be fair though it seems from our weekly conversations that she is getting out more and it sounds like she is loving it. So, good on ya Mum.

Alcohol, you have got to love it. Making introverts, situational extroverts for many years and for many years to come.

On the other side of the family are the extroverts. That is my father and my younger brother. My father is a classic. He is very well known in town and you can't go shopping or anywhere in town without someone coming up to him for a chat or just to say hello. On occasions, I'm not known as Blair but more as Stu's son and I wear that label with pride. Although since I haven't lived there for 20 years when I do go home it has become more like "Pleased to meet you" and that is fine too.

My father seems to enjoy going to functions, especially related to sport. He enjoys listening to the speeches and catching up with people that he played with and against in the last fifty years.

The memory I have of my father is watching him leave a function. It seems to take about three hours for him to do this simple thing. For an introvert, leaving a function is simple, we say goodbye and literally run out the door. For an extrovert like my father, leaving a function is a little more difficult. He will telephone my mother to say he is ready to be picked up. (We don't practice drink driving in my family. We are very safe.) My mother will drive over and wait. Of course my father has to say goodbye to everyone as he leaves and this involves not just the simple greeting but some banter with a few people and a couple of jokes here and there. Meanwhile my mother is getting more and more angry. The windows in the car are getting fogged up as the steam from my mother rises. A few expletives are said under her breathe with the words hurry and up mixed in their as well. I've been in the car on these occasions and this is probably why I am very adept at using the f word. I've learnt from a pro although I will probably get in trouble for saying this. It's true though.

My brother is an interesting character. He is very much an extrovert who due to illness has had to downgrade his social life. Maybe this has something to do with marriage as well but I wouldn't know because I haven't had that experience. My brother seems to have many friends and acquaintances like my father and before his illness he was very much a social man, going to parties and events. He still enjoys the company of people but in smaller groups not because he has morphed into an introvert but because of his illness it is easier for him to be in smaller groups.

I'm sure out there, there are families of extroverts. In Susan Cain's book Quiet she talks about her family reading together. That sounds like a family of introverts right there and I'm sure that there are families like my one where there is a combination of the two.

If you can understand what you are and what other members of your family are and why they act like that then you can live a more enjoyable and harmonious life with each other.

Alexander Graham Bell would be appalled

I don't have my phone with me today. As soon as most of you read that you thought, "Oh my god! How can you function without your phone? How can you not have your phone with you? Isn't today boring without it?"

Well, to answer your questions, No. I'm still alive. I'm still breathing without my phone in my pocket or my bag. I can still function as a human being. I know some of you are thinking, "what if you get a message?"

 Well, I'll reply when I get home.

"They might think you are dead."

"What? Because I haven't replied in 2.3 seconds they are going to think I am dead."

"Yes, but what if it is important?"

"Define important."

The default answer here is usually if someone dies. Well, you find out a few hours later than everyone else.

My point today is to wake up and smell the roses some days. You don't have to leave your phone at home everyday but you can afford to leave it at home on maybe one day a week and the whole world is not going to come to an end.

I have found today that I have noticed a lot more around me than I normally do, especially on the train. Have I missed it? Yes, it would be nice to have a look at my phone at some stages today but I can do that when I get home. I expect to have 15 new text messages, 27 new Line messages, 10 new matches on Tinder and 100 notifications from the New Zealand Herald and the BBC.

This whole day has been quite liberating and I might do it again tomorrow or I may not. I'll decide at the time.