"People take different roads seeking fulfilment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've got lost."
Like a lot of quotes that I'm sure you all see it got me thinking. This quote is so true.
We all have our roads in life and we decide what road we will travel on and most people travel on it. Sometimes the road is smooth, sometimes it is bumpy, sometimes it is uphill, sometimes it is downhill and sometimes it is downright treacherous. It is your road however and you have created it so what gives other people the right to say that you are on the wrong road?
Why do they say that you are on the wrong road?
There are many reasons but the number one reason is that they can't understand your road. It is beyond their comprehension so they will try and bring you back to the pack so to speak. If you can do something that they can understand then they can feel relaxed and most importantly advise you on 'stuff.'
All of these have different people on these roads and they are doing their thing.
On the Sidewalk they are living month to month. The people in the Slowlane are religiously saving in the pension accounts and working for 50 years until they retire. The people in the Fastlane are building businesses so that they have options in a few years.
Which one is right?
It depends on the person. It depends on their goals and objectives. It might be different from you but it doesn't make them wrong. In fact the road they are on may be the correct one for you. Don't dismiss it. Have an open mind
I was talking to a client the other day and we were talking about active listening. This is when
you actually listen to what the other person is saying and make comments and ask questions. Basically being a civil person, right.
Believe it or not, a great deal of us are not good at listening. As my friend likes to say, a lot of us are 'ready to talk' people. This means that we are not really listening to what the other person is saying and you are thinking about what you are going to say and if you are anything like a lot of people you are probably thinking to yourself that you wish that they shut up so that you can make your point.
Back to the story about my client though, she was telling me about her colleague who when asked by other colleagues to go out with lunch with them she will always say 'yes.'
Fair enough. I know what that is like. You want to bond with your work mates so you go out with six or seven of your colleagues.
When she came back from lunch, my client asked her what they had talked about and she had said she didn't know. My client was shocked, she couldn't believe that her co-worker didn't know what they had been talking about for one hour.
My client is quite extroverted so it is reasonable to expect her to be surprised at her colleague's non-participation in the conversation.
This got me thinking about my client's colleague. It is obvious that she is introverted and is entirely not comfortable in the group situation. She probably said yes to the invitation so as not to appear rude but as soon as they sat down I'm sure she regretted it. She would have been way out of her comfort zone and to keep herself there she would have sat at the end of the table and basically stayed in her own bubble. She would have barely contributed to the conversation.
This is all speculation. Obviously I wasn't there but I am pretty sure that is how it went down.
When you are trying to make changes in your life, it is better to make small baby steps. Perhaps my client's colleague should have gone out with two others as opposed to a big group of seven or eight and when she gets comfortable with three, then they can increase to four.
Sometimes in a group situation you are going to have to be selfish. I know that is difficult to do for some of you but you have to know your limits and if you have decided to stay home on a Friday night and watch Netflix, then do that. There will be other Friday nights, I can guarantee you.
This is a message to all of the shy guys out there. Now, listen and listen well, it is not about you. It is never about you. Most people are still concerned about themselves to worry about you.
They are not judging you. They are not judging you at all. As long as you remember this then everything will be fine.
I know it is difficult when they are laughing. The initial reaction is that they are laughing at you but 99.99999 times out of 100 they are usually talking about something else and they don't even compute that you are in their area. They are talking about something that doesn't even concern you.
How do I know?
I used to be like you. I used to think that everyone was judging me. I used to think that everything that I said and everything that I was doing was been judged by everyone in the room and that after the event that they would go home and laugh about me with their significant others.
You know what, they are so worried about themselves that you will laugh at your almost stupidness when you get it. You will think, what was I thinking about with those hours and hours and days and days of worry. They did not care about what I thought or said. No way at all.
In the next couple of weeks I will bring to you something that could literally change your life.
Check back occasionally to this blog and I hope to have it up soon.
Say goodbye to shy and hi to the next nice, confident guy on the block.
When you are doing anything you need to have a definite plan. You need to know exactly what you are going to do. There is nothing worse than some wishy washy plan that no one ever follows through with.
When people say "lets do lunch" it means absolutely nothing unless you nominate a day and time.
I remember I had just arrived in Japan and someone , I can't remember his name, said "You should come to my house for lunch or dinner one day." I said great and then asked immediately when I should come. Of course he was just being nice and as you probably guessed by now that invitation never came to fruition.
So in saying that, lets make a definite plan:
Hi,
How are you? Long time no see.
I know that you read this blog on a regular basis, thank you very much by the way. It is nice to have a loyal reader and I hope that you have learned something about personalities and you have probably learned a great deal about me as well. Although I'm sure that you have some questions as well. You are curious, right?
Lets have dinner together on February 18th. We will cook together and eat together at my place (I have a new place now) For dinner we can have my special curry and then I will surprise you for dessert. Sorry I'm not going to give you any hints. You will have to see.
Send me a message and I'll tell you what time and where to come to.
Also, the weekend after, the 25th, my team, the Hurricanes are playing the Sunwolves. I know you will enjoy it. 1pm kickoff. Lets go together.
There you have it, two plans. The other person knows when, where and a little bit about what you are going to do. Some of what you are going to do, not all though.
The next day someone says to you lets do something, take the bull by the horns and make an appointment, make a date. You'll be glad you did.
The Super Bowl. It is an American sporting tradition. The two top teams in the NFL (National Football League) battle it out in early February for the right to be called the NFL champion for that season.
They say it is the biggest sporting event of the year. I thought that was the Tour de France but lets not split hairs.
I have to disclose something here, I don't think I have ever sat down and watched the game from go to woe but I think it would be really cool to get a ticket and go along to the stadium once in my lifetime to experience the American sporting atmosphere.
My image of the Super Bowl is the idea of people inviting their friends and family around for a Super Bowl party. The have some great food, drink a few beers and basically enjoy the night. (Does that sound about right?)
I wonder, how many people have actually watched a NFL game in that season. I bet that a large percentage of people have:
a. Not watched a game that season b. No idea who is playing c. No idea about the rules d. Wondered why they wear helmets and pads (in fact rugby fans like myself wonder that all the time.) e. Just gone to the party because it is the thing to do.
What is it about sport that gets people to congregate?
I think about the Hong Kong 7's. For those of you that don't know, the Hong Kong 7's is arguably the biggest event on the Hong Kong sporting calendar and it is a rugby union tournament. Rugby union is traditionally played with 15 people per team but this tournament is only 7.
People, even if they are not particularly interested in rugby will flock to this event because it is the thing to do.
I always thought it would be a good thing to go to but have never made the trip. Firstly, I don't really like rugby 7's. I find it boring actually. Also the three days of constant drinking and socialising would be too much stimulation for me, I would say.
I'm sure people who go to these events have a great time and they look forward to as one of the biggest events on their social calendars for the year. I've always wondered if they can tell me the winner of the game if I see them the next morning. I doubt it.
I went to watch the Japan 7's tournament a couple of times and I have no idea which team won which just goes to show why people go along to these events.
Enjoy the game and I look forward to a full report on the game on Monday morning.
Today I would like to give you some dating advice if you happen to be going out with someone who might not necessarily be the life and soul of the party. They may be a little more quiet than you are used to and they might not want to do things that you want to do.
Today, there are so many rules in the dating world. You can't do this and you can't do that and "Oh my god, did you actually do that?" It is difficult to know what the other person may be thinking but if you are dating a more received person there are things to take into account.
These are things to know if you are dating an introvert:
1. You or your friends?
An introvert will 90% of the time choose you over your friends. Don't be offended by it. It doesn't mean that they hate your friends, far from it, they just prefer to hang out with you because they are energised by that. Hanging out with you and 6 of your best friends can be tiring and they will do it for you but don't expect it to happen all of the time.
2. Introverts do like being social
Introverts are not hermits. They do enjoy the company of people and social occasions just don't expect them to up partying with you until the crack of dawn. My friend always jokes that "you went home early. 6am." He was still going and I had checked out somewhere between 3am and 4am and I was just running on fumes. Expect your introverted partner to want to go home early. I assure you, you will thank him or her in the morning.
3. Introverts are not snobs
Just because they are quiet or they are a little standoffish, it doesn't mean they are being snobby. Far from it they are just not so sure how to interact with you because they don't know you. Once they get to know you, they will be great friends. They will be very loyal and some of the best friends you even had. I actually had a former work colleague say that he thought I was really snobby when he first met me. In the end he said that was the furtherest from the truth.
4. Introverts will come out of their shell
You might not be able to get a lot out of them at the start but don't give up. The more they feel comfortable with you the more they will present themselves to you and the more that their true self will become known to you.
5. Introverts won't be the life and soul of the party
Sorry, they just won't be. They are not going to initiate the conga line at all but they will join in the dancing once it is going. Don't be surprised to see your introverted partner rocking the dance floor once he or she feels comfortable with the surroundings. You might be shocked.
Examples of dances might be the hokey pokey (hokey tokey for New Zealand readers) or my favourite one:
Yes, I know that you cool people are thinking WTF? but it's a favourite and after a few drinks, who cares anyway, right?
6. Introverts do what they want to do
Don't you forget this. Introverts as you can probably realise by now won't be out and about every night of the week but when they do decide to go out to a party or social event with you they will make sure that it is special for you.
7. They are interesting people and don't forget that
Do I have to explain this?
You might not be dating the party animal that you are but that is OK. You two can complement each other. The yin and yang so to speak.
Don't be disappointed if your partner doesn't want to go out raging with you on Friday night. They are conserving their energy for when they meet you on Saturday night and that can't be wrong, right?
Embarrassment is a progenitor of low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one probable cause of why a person is introverted.
I read these sentences in this book and I thought of a couple of things. The author writes about introversion and shyness.
First of all many people believe that introversion and shyness are the same thing and they are not. As Susan Cain, the patron saint of introverts says in her Ted Talk, shy people are fearful of social judgement while introverts are energised by some alone time or with one or two good friends.
It is possible to be a shy extrovert though. We have this image of extroverts as confident, party going, dancing on the bar, yahooing people and in some cases that is true (I'm thinking of one person in particular when I write that) but not all people who are extroverts (remember, an extrovert is someone who is stimulated by being in social situations. i.e. parties, events, concerts etc) are comfortable in these situations. They might want to be at a party but once they get there they find it difficult to talk to anyone. They are energising by the music and people around the place and smoke and the food but once they get with a group they find it difficult.
What are the signs that you are a shy extrovert?
There are a few:
1. They like to be at the party but they find it difficult to engage with people.
As I said above, these people are energised by the business and the loud music but when it comes to making conversation, they find it difficult. Another example would be a guy going to the bar and having a good time with his mate or mates but when it comes to flirting with women they find it very difficult to.
I have been in this situation many times. I remember one woman was giving me the come hither look at a nightclub a few years ago and all I did was nothing. Maybe I smiled a couple of times. The look she gave me when she left the nightclub that night was the proverbial 'if looks could kill.'
2. A shy extrovert is someone who loves the big party or the nightclub.
They are able to blend into the surroundings and as you can see in my previous example they might not necessarily talk to anyone but they are comfortable. The quieter events are more stressful for a shy extrovert because they are scared that they might be put on the spot. It is sort of the same kind of fear that people have of public speaking.
By the way, if you fear public speaking and you would like to get better at that I suggest Toastmasters. You can read more about it here or here.
3. Shy extroverts don't need constant conversation.
You will find the more 'pure' extrovert can not stand the lull in conversation and they have to fill that gap with talk that to the introverted might sound like 'pure bullsh*t.'
It can be really tiring to listen to someone who either loves the sound of their own voice or just doesn't have an off button. You never know when you will get a chance to say anything or when they might finish. This is where knowing how to eject yourself from the conversation is very important.
4. Shy extroverts love to have long conversations.
I've done it myself at events or the like where I have met someone interesting, usually they are standing by themselves looking nervous, so you go up and say hi. Most of the time they are pleased to hear from you and will engage you in conversation.
I remember at an embassy event a few years ago introducing myself to a guy I had played cricket against a few years before. I think he was similar to me as talked for about one hour about cricket. It's quite possible that both of us didn't want to go and meet other people as that would have been a hassle.
5. Shy extroverts hate public speaking.
When you are giving a speech or presentation you are the centre of attention and that is just not very comfortable. I've read that the reason why we hate public speaking is that it goes back to the caveman times when humans were prey to all of those nasty carnivores roaming the earth. Imagine the feeling that you are been stalked by a sabre-toothed tiger or something similar, it wouldn't be a very nice experience and this is the same kind of feeling we get when we are public speaking. We are the prey and the audience is the sabre-toothed tiger.
(Not a sabre-toothed tiger but imagine having the feeling that you are being stalked by this fellow. This is the same feeling we get with public speaking.)
6. The recharge time is important.
Like an introvert, the shy extrovert needs that alone time but not as much. The shy extrovert may want to stay at home on a Saturday night but at about 10pm, they get antsy. They start thinking about the things that they might be missing out on. They then have two options, go out or go to bed to try and get the feeling to go away while asleep.
Don't think that introversion equals shyness and extroversion equals outgoingness. We all have our different switches and it is good to know what those switches are so as to take better care of ourselves and to know when to stay and to know when to go.
