I'm SORRY!!!

I'm sorry! When we do something that we think might inconvenience someone else we apologise. We say sorry. That's just normal manners, right?

I have spent my life in two countries with a real developed culture of apologising. In Japan, apologising is used to keep harmony. To preserve the 'wa' so that people can live in peace.

I haven't really worked out apologising in New Zealand. I remember listening to the radio in the morning and this one particular morning, listeners were calling in to win some prizes. I think they had to answer some questions. One particular caller would always say sorry when she got the answer wrong and I vividly remember the announcers telling her not to say sorry.

Yesterday I had a situation where I said sorry but when I shouldn't have said it and I kind of regret it as the other person was entirely at fault but I was the one that said sorry and he didn't even say anything.

Let me take you through the scenario. I am moving out of my apartment. I gave them the one month notice and was told that they were sorry to see me go as I haven't really had any problems with the place and I have paid the rent on time every month and everything is fine. Anyway, in the rental contract it says that they reserve the right to show the apartment while I'm still there, which is fine but they could give me say 24 hours notice as opposed to the 90 minutes they gave me yesterday. I wasn't available to take the call and only could call them 30 minutes before the viewing was supposed to take place.

My apartment yesterday was very, very messy. I had my underwear on the floor. Rubbish everywhere. it was the proverbial pigsty. I hang up the phone under the impression that they weren't going to show the apartment. Another reason why I didn't want them to show it was in the morning I couldn't find the door key and had left the door unlocked. I knew the key was inside somewhere and I would find it when I got home.

Anyway, I get home at the early time of 7pm. Usually I get home closer to 10pm and guess what. The door was locked. Why? Well I'm sure that you have already worked out that they showed the place anyway and the landlord had locked the door behind him. Fortunately I still had a little battery left on my phone as I had also left my charger in the apartment too. I called the landlord and to his credit he was over to open the door quite quickly.

I said sorry to him about the room being messy. Why did I say sorry? I'm still paying for it. I still have the right to have my stuff there, why am I apologising? If they had given me some notice I would have happily cleaned up because I don't like living in a pigsty.

Apologise when you know that you have done something wrong, but don't apologise at the the drop of a hat. You may appear to be weak in the mind of the people you are talking too and they might even take advantage of you which is never desirable, believe me.

Life and soul of the party.

How can you become the life of the party? If you want to become a situational extrovert, you need to think about the the following points.

1. You have to treat everyone with the utmost respect. If you are talking to a client who represents half of your income you are going to be on your best behaviour, aren't you? What about when you are talking to the server at your local restaurant? You should treat them with the utmost respect too. Don't look down on them because they are a server. Also don't put the client on a pedestal. Talk to everyone the same and you will be well on the way.


2. Forget about the small talk. I went with a Japanese colleague of mine last year to a meeting and we were joking as we were going about the small talk we were going to have to go through and sure enough we sat down and we were straight into the topic of how hot is was on that particular day. I have learnt with small talk it is better to talk about something that is relevant to the person you are talking to, so for example, if they are wearing an unusual watch ask them about it. I asked a guy this morning about a bracelet that he was wearing and I couldn't shut him up about it.

I know in New Zealand the people at the grocery stores are trained to asked about your day which is so boring. My favourite experience at a grocery store was when the store clerk asked me about the magazine that I was buying. There was a photo of a woman in a bikini on the cover and she thought it was dirty magazine and she asked me about it and I told her that it was a sports magazine and that she can check it if she wants, which she did. The disappointment on her face that the first thing she found was an article on golf was easy to see. Anyway, the reason I remember that was what she asked was relevant to me not some generic question that no one is interested in answering or asking for that matter.


3. The next one is something that I really need to work on and that is focusing on the other person. Actually really listening to what they are saying and not preparing what you are going to say next which is what I do. Sometimes I might be looking at my smart phone which is really rude and it is not going to win you any friends. Ask good questions and really listen. You might actually learn something if you do that.


4. People who are the life of the party don't try to brag or skite. (that is New Zealand and Australian slang which means to boast) I suppose that comes down to name dropping too which I am guilty of on occasions. Who cares you don't have to tell them, you just show them what you can do. People will respect you for that.


5. Share your opinions but don't ram it down the other person's throat. The respected people is not shy to share their opinion but they don't say that it is a fact they make it clear that they are their own opinions and they are respectful of other people's opinions as well.

Sand line drawn

I just want to get off the topic of the situational extrovert today and talk about health.

I've noticed over the last few days that although I haven't put on any weight as such I'm feeling really fat. I'm not sure if you can feel fat but I think most of you out there will probably know what I mean.

I feel a little depressed about it. I'm lacking in energy and I'm always tired. It all comes down to what you eat. I haven't been eating well recently and I can feel it. I can feel it big time.

From tomorrow I will be drinking water. I will be only putting into my body things that nourish me as opposed to make me feel good at the time and I will be exercising.

I will post an update in a week. I hope I feel better then than I do now.

To grin and beer it?

I was about to sit down and write this post today and I procrastinated. I went onto a news website and found this article about a teacher explaining, using apples, the concept of bullying and how you might not be able to tell from the outside that the person is hurt but on the inside they are very, very hurt.

This article is perfect for what I want to talk about today. However, first let me give you some background. A few days ago I was meant to meet with a guy but he cancelled as he wasn't feeling very well so we rescheduled for today. Anyway I found out today that the reason he couldn't meet the other day was and these are his words, "I was forced to drink by my boss."

I got angry. Not with him but with the boss who is in his mid to late 40's. The guy I met is mid 20's. He told me that he went out with his boss and a client. OK, fair enough. It seems that in Japan if you want to climb the corporate ladder, you need to do these kinds of things. Go out with your boss to show that you are part of the team and that you are committed to the organisation. What really got my goat however is that they started playing drinking games and this is where the word force comes into it and unfortunately it has nothing to do with Star Wars. The guy I met today was saying that he wasn't enjoying it and he likes to have a drink but not this kind of drinking. As far as I am concerned this is nothing but bullying plain and simple. In Japan it is a very hierarchical society and the whole idea of obey your elders is a big part of Confucianism which is prevalent in Japanese culture. This guy's bosses crossed the line here however and I told him that today. He did complain about to me but I could always tell that he knew that it is something that he had to do because he wants to climb that ladder. It is just one one of those things you have to suffer and bear.

Why does it have to do with drinking though? Are you telling me that if you don't drink alcohol that you won't be able to climb that corporate ladder and you are going to hit that glass ceiling? This is where if you are going to climb that ladder that a certain amount of extrovertism is going to be needed. Just because you get energy from being alone it doesn't mean that you can't become the CEO or one of those titles with C at the start and O at the end. It just means that you need to show your extroverted on some occasions. You need to become the Situational Extrovert just don't allow people to force alcohol down your throat. You have standards and you can't display those standards when  you are laying face down in the gutter with vomit around you.

Show your extroverted side but do it in a classy way. You don't have to chugalug or make someone chugalug. That's not you and it is not going to get you anywhere in the long run.

Postscript: This post was not meant to be an attack on Japanese culture. It was an attack on this guy's boss who bullied him and in any situation, that is not on. It's not on at all.

There is no I in team

Yesterday morning I went to my Crossfit gym for the first time in about a week. I have been having problems with my calf muscle so I decided to take it easy for a week or so, so that I could get my calf healed and it seems to have done the trick. There is a lot to be said about rest.

Yesterday we did what is called a team chipper. A chipper in Crossfit is when you perform a few movements but at a high volume. You wouldn't go at high pace because you would run out of petrol very early but you literally 'chip' away at the workout and it would take about 20 minutes or so. Yesterday we did the workout in a team of three. We had to do 100 hang cleans, 100 shoulder to overhead and a 2000 metre row. (Hang cleans and shoulder to overhead is basically the clean and jerk deconstructed.)

 We could break up the reps in any way we liked. I find these team workouts actually quite enjoyable because I like the strategy involved because even though you are literally doing a workout, Crossfit is a sport and you are competing against other athletes. In the end we beat the other men's team by 2 seconds which was awesome especially when I was last on the rower. Obviously you don't go yahooing about beating the other team but I must admit I was satisfied about our team's performance.

It's interesting that I chose team sports to play growing up. When I think about it that was the influence of my family and especially my father. If I had really played a sport that was congruent with my personality I would have played tennis or golf or some kind of individual sport.

It's interesting when I think about the sports I played as a child and a young adult, I didn't really have anything in common with the people in my teams. The only thing was the sport we played. Tonight I'm meeting a guy that I used to play cricket with high school. He comes to Tokyo every year and we catch up. It's interesting that a few years ago he said that we didn't really have anything in common at school and that is 100% true. We didn't. It seemed though that most of the other guys seemed to get on well and had things in common. That was confusing to me at the time but it has become clearer over the last few years.

I think when you choose a sport you need to take your personality into account. Are you going to fit comfortably into a team? Would you prefer to do some kind of individual sport? Do you want a combination of both? (I must admit that in Crossfit I enjoy the team elements to it but I also equally enjoy the individual workouts where you are just competing against yourself. Very ambiverty, right?)

At the end of the day, we do sports for enjoyment and if you don't enjoy what you are doing, what is the point of doing it? If you don't get on well with your team mates but you enjoy the sport you might have to change teams. If you feel uncomfortable in the team environment then you might need to find an individual sport. If you need that social stimulation and you are in an individual sport then you might need to play a team sports. That's a call that you decide at the time.

Postscript: Just in case you don't know what a clean and jerk is in weightlifting, have a look at the video below from the 1974 Christchurch Commonwealth Games. This is the super heavyweight gold medalist in weightlifting. The second lift is an iconic moment in New Zealand sporting history. It's moments like these .....

http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/video/40884/graham-may-1974-commonwealth-games

No fixed abode

I read a profile today about business consultant Ram Charan. What I read I had to take with a grain a salt. Well, not really a grain of salt, more like the whole salt shaker. Anyway, it said that he doesn't have a house, basically he lives in airports and hotels. That could be possible I suppose but it also says that he travels 250,000 miles a week. That's where you have to be careful about what you read. So basically he travels 10 times around the world every week and if there is 168 hours in a week and he travels 250,000 miles then he is travelling 1500 miles every hour which you have probably worked out already is impossible. I think that that was a typo and it was 250,000 miles a year.

After reading this short little profile, it reminded me of this movie:

Have you seen this one? It is a George Clooney movie from 2009 called 'Up in the air.' George Clooney plays a guy who works for a HR consultancy in Omaha, Nebraska. He basically travels all over the United States of America firing people for a living.

In the movie George Clooney's character "lives" in Omaha but he says that he spent only 43 days there in the previous year. So he was on the road for 323 days (I think it was a leap year) living in hotels, travelling first class and enjoying the hospitality of the airport lounges.

What do you think? Could you live this kind of lifestyle? Travelling from city to city, not being in the same city two days in a row. Not really developing relationships and being by yourself everyday and every night.

This sounds like introvert heaven, doesn't it? Well, yes and no. If you are someone who doesn't want to develop meaningful relationships then that kind of lifestyle is definitely for you, however I believe that most people do, so maybe this kind of life is better for an extrovert who can probably strike up conversations with people around them and find things to do.

How you deal with lonesomeness is the key to this kind of lifestyle and an introverted person could easily lock themselves away and not talk to anyone outside their work related activities and that could be a disastrous thing for him or her.

I must admit though that this kind of lifestyle does have some appeal to me and I wonder how long I would last before I go crazy. I do enjoy some of my routine like going to the gym and visiting the same places for socialising. Hmmm, something to think about it.

If you have a chance, have a look at this movie and see how it applies to you and your circumstances.

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello!

I found this very interesting article about life as an extrovert. Actually my friend had sent me this article but I found the extrovert one much more interesting as I do believe that it is as simple as saying hello. Although in saying that it is quite scary saying hello to someone that you don't know. What was it that your mother always told you not to do? Don't eat with your mouth open? Don't eat with your elbows on the table? Don't talk to strangers? That's it, don't talk to strangers. Sounds like introverted heaven doesn't it? But remember that introverts are not necessarily scared of strangers, they just like to recharge their batteries alone.

However, in saying that we are living in an extroverted world so we need to learn to be more social and that starts by the simple greeting.

In Japan, there is a lot of emphasis on the greeting but it is more of a general thing to everyone in the room and the "good mornings" that I have witnessed can be less than enthusiastic like there is nothing good about the morning at all and the person who is saying it is back in the salt mines and he or she definitely does not want to be there. Come to think of it, that isn't just related only to Japan, of course that scenario plays across most countries in the world every morning. I do believe though that a well meaning greeting is good for everyone. I believe that it boosts the confidence of the person who says it and unless the receiver is a complete asshole, it should make him or her feel better.

So, the first challenge is to say hello to five people today. You don't even have to carry on the conversation or even spend the next two or three days and nights with them, just say hello. Do you think you can do that?

I know that this challenge scares the bejesus out of you but it has to be done. I know that I have to be in the mood and five people can take five minutes or five years so it is a challenge for me too. As the author says in this article it doesn't have to be just saying hello, it can be asking for directions or as my friend used to do in nightclubs, "what time does this place close?" The women he asked that to seemed to be open to his conversation after that question as it was not threatening and not a pick up line at all.

Good luck, tell me how it goes.

Say hello.